Aureliano and Chrissie's Legendary Johto Quest Adventure
by Aardvark123
Summary: In the mysterious, wild land of Johto, realistic tomboy Chrissie and unsuccessful mary-sue Aureliano set off on a quest to explore this region and complete the pokédex/battle Team Rocket/whatever. But on the horizon, a dark shadow of darkness rises darkly... Can our heroes unite to banish the rising dark?... Find out, in this epic parody of literally everything involving Pokémon!
1. Chapter the First

**~Author's Note~**

Yo, yo, yo! This is, like, Aardvark123 here, bringing you, like, another fantastic story, penned by my own fair, like, hands. It's my first, like, actual parody, so, um... don't be mean, and... yea. Please, please, please give me lots of, like, reviews, unless you're one of those self-righteous, like, meanies who do, like, Constructive Criticism, in which case **GET LOST.**

Here's, like, the first chapter. I, like, worked really, like, hard on it, so on with, like, the story!

**~Chapter 1: First Chapter! Excited Anime-style Chapter Heading!~**

Aureliano Pyracardia was tall and handsome beyond his ten years, a look very much accentuated by his ripped jeans, combat boots, slightly faded band t-shirt and half-open leather jacket, not to mention his spiky black hair streaked with blond and his fast-developing beard. And did I mention the gold-studded belt holding his jeans in place? Let's not forget his yellow-and-black hat, worn backwards, with really cool flying goggles on top. What's more, his eyes were amethyst purple, his skin had a bronzed look rarely seen among Japanese youths, and only a machamp could rival his muscle tone.

In spite of all this, Aureliano could not fathom how he'd been lumbered with Chrissie. This alleged girl, this mud enthusiast, tree climber and constant wearer of dungarees, was as much use to him as a bicycle made of candyfloss. When Professor Elm told him he was to have a female companion on his journey, he'd been expecting either a completely useless fairy-princess type or a romantically frustrated pseudo-tomboy. Either way, he was hoping to make love at least once a night.

In contrast with Aureliano, Chrissie was on top of the world. "Look, Aurie! There's Cherrygrove City!" she cried, pointing to the brightly-coloured houses beginning to rise over the horizon.

"I told you not to call me Aurie!" snapped Aureliano, sending a flying kick at Chrissie. She ducked, which only made Aurie more angry.

"Do you know whose attack you just evaded?!" the boy roared. "I am Aureliano Pyracardia, master of Cynder, who will one day be the most powerful typhlosion in the world, and I his invincible handler. Either you cooperate with me, or-"

"I'll set Chloe on you," Chrissie finished for him. "Have you met my water-type totodile, by the way? She's really powerful already, and I love her!" Being blithely cheerful always got Aureliano's goat, so Chrissie did it as often as she could when Aureliano was around.

"You're a dyke," said the young gary-stu grumpily.

"...What?" asked Chrissie, who had never heard that particular homophobic slur before.

"Just... try to be a girl, all right?" Aureliano sighed.

Chrissie threw a handful of mud at his hair. Aureliano broke down in tears.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**(pronounced "OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo", in a high-pitched and annoying voice)**

"Professor, are you sure Aureliano and our daughter are... compatible?" a fairly ordinary chap called Derek enquired of Professor Elm, as he, his wife Annabel, the professor and Aureliano's parents shared a quiet afternoon tea. Marietta and Lysander Pyracardia had been responsible for a great deal of strife and misery in New Bark Town, but they were so convinced of their own brilliance it was hard not to invite them round for tea.

"Well... not really," the professor replied. "But heaven knows, someone's got to get back my chikorita."

"They're both ten," Annabel pointed out. "I mean, pokémon training's all well and good, but what if a really dangerous thief kidnapped Chikorita? What if it was a murderer?!"

"Er... well..." said Professor Elm nervously.

"It doesn't matter," Marietta informed the group, resting her diamond-studded katana on the table. "Aureliano will keep Chrissie safe for sure!"

"It's him I'm worried about, actually," Annabel pointed out.

The atmosphere turned instantly icy, yet also electrified, as if Zekrom and Kyurem had just melded into one terribly powerful nightmare creature.

"I'm sorry, are you implying our son is in any way... not competent?" Lysander enquired, reaching casually for his gold-plated poké-ball, with which he had recently captured Entei.

"Er... no! Not at all!" said Annabel quickly.

Lysander smiled. "Good."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**(I couldn't find the page break thingies, all right?!)**

"Well, here we are," Chrissie commented as she and Aureliano came to a halt outside Cherrygrove City's small but well-built pokémon centre.

"At last!" Aureliano declared, immensely relieved. "I can't believe how long I've had mud in my hair. You're paying for my next salon visit."

"In your dreams," Chrissie replied.

"Do you want me to take my belt off?!" Aureliano demanded.

"No thanks," said Chrissie. "Your trousers might fall down, and then your legs will get cold."

Aureliano gave a deep, heartfelt sigh. There was no reasoning with that girl. "Look, we need to rescue Professor Elm's chikorita, and that means working together. It would help if you were nicer to me."

"If I was nicer to you?!" Chrissie cried, unable to believe what she was hearing. "You tried to hit me, and now you want me to pay for you to go to the hairdresser!"

"It is your duty as a female to-"

"Well, well, well! If it isn't two new pokémon trainers sent here to give poor, dear Professor Elm back his beloved chikorita!" a snide, generically evil voice interrupted the two. They looked round in amazement to see a slightly older boy with red hair and dark clothes, leaning casually against a lampost. His eyes, for some reason, were triangular, and glowed bright orange. They didn't really suit a human.

"Um... hi," said Chrissie, slightly afraid of this new arrival, not least because he had a long, vicious-looking whip hanging casually from his pocket. "We're looking for a chikorita. His name's Arthur. Have you seen him?"

"Guess so, seeing as I was the one who stole him," the redheaded boy declared shamelessly. He retrieved a poké-ball from his pocket. "Arthur, you useless lump, some friends're here for you."

The boy casually thumbed the poké-ball's button, releasing a scrawny, dirty chikorita, clearly mistreated and starving. He slumped pitifully on the ground.

"Oh my gosh! You've-!" Chrissie had no words, instead gently scooping Arthur into her arms, then rushing into the pokémon centre to see if the local Joy knew what to do.

"Hey, come back!" the redhead cried, reaching for his whip. "I stole that useless little piece of rhyhorn crap fair and-"

The redheaded boy was cut short by Aureliano grabbing his wrist, almost breaking it in the process. "You shameless cad!"

"Hey! Let go of me!" the redhead protested.

"Oh, gladly!" snapped Aureliano, all but throwing his arm away, sending the boy sprawling. "How dare you steal an innocent chikorita, then be so horrible to her? You do not deserve to be a pokémon trainer. In the name of the pokémon league, I will punish you by defeating you in a battle!" He retrieved a poké-ball of his own. "Cynder, I choose you!"

A bright, fierce young cyndaquil, whose real name was Terry, not that Aureliano cared, burst out of the ball. "Cynda...QUIL!" he cried, his back a raging inferno.

"Now, show me your other pokémon," Aureliano demanded.

"Um... Idonthaveanyotherpokémon," the redhead muttered.

"What was that?" asked Aureliano.

"I don't have any other pokémon, all right?! I stole Arthur by hand!" the redhead snapped.

"...Oh." Aureliano thought for a moment. "Care to borrow one of mine?"

"What, really?! Um... fine," said the redhead, utterly dumbfounded.

"All right, then." Aureliano thought for another moment. "Can you wait here while I go and capture some more?"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**(It's a common mistake. Those horizontal line page breaks can be hard to handle.)**

When Chrissie brought Nurse Joy and one of the pokémon centre's chansies over to the redheaded boy, she was both dismayed and not really surprised to see the lack of Aureliano. The evil boy looked completely out of his depth.

"Is this Arthur's trainer, then?" asked Joy.

"Not his trainer. He kidnapped him from Professor Elm," Chrissie replied.

"All right. Hey, you with the red hair! Did you, by any chance, kidnap an innocent young chikorita called Arthur?" the Joy demanded. "It's not that I don't trust you, I just need to make sure," she quietly reassured Chrissie.

"Um... maybe," the redheaded boy replied. "I mean, yes. No! No, I... who's asking?"

"I'm asking," the nurse replied. "Chansey, keep an eye on him, won't you?"

"Chansey chan," the chansey replied brightly, moving behind the redheaded boy and cracking her knuckles right by his ear.

"Keep an... eye on...? I'm actually waiting for someone," the boy said nervously. "He said he'd come back with more pokémon, and... he almost broke my bloody wrist!"

"That'd be Aureliano, then," said Chrissie apologetically.

"Are you sure he's the right kind of company?" Nurse Joy asked worriedly. "In any case, young man, what's your name?"

"Sethlyn Darkblood von Silverheart, if you must know," the boy replied. Chrissie promptly burst out laughing.

"I see. Well, Sethlyn, unless you've been living under a rock for most of your life, you should know that pokémon abuse is a very serious crime. I suggest you come with us, and we'll see if Arthur reacts to your presence," Nurse Joy informed him.

"Er... can't you come back in five minutes?"

"What do you think?"

The four made their way into the pokémon centre.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**(Page breaks can be added to a story in the document editor programme available on this very website. Simply look in the Doc Manager, available from the vertical menu at the side of your profile, and click on any uploaded document to edit it. In the document editor, you will find a toolbar with various buttons, including one with a single horizontal line on it. Click on that button to add a page break to your story.)**

"This is outrageous! You have no evidence!" Sethlyn wailed, struggling with little success against the two police officers carrying him off: a female human called Jenny (of course) and a male electabuzz called Keith.

"That chikorita was evidence enough," said Jenny sternly. "As I was saying, you have the right to remain silent-"

"Yo, red-haired boy!" Aureliano called, striding proudly over. Chrissie put her head in her hands, attracting a sympathetic look from Nurse Joy.

"Oh, not him!" Sethlyn cried.

"_Can we help you?_" Keith asked, and despite actually saying "Electabuzz buzz buzz elec-lecta?", he was understood, because, as we all know, pokémon trainers and any other humans who work frequently with pokémon are instantly able to understand them. Or something. Er... translator microbes? Psychic stuff? I know Aura works, or perhaps they have pokémon language classes in school. I mean the, uh, non-compulsory schools they have in Japan, where, um, most children drop out to become pokémon trainers. Um. I haven't really thought this through, have I? Well, let's just agree that... stuff is understood...

"You can let him down for a start," Aureliano replied. "I found this dratini by the path, incapacitated by a really bad cold, so I assumed destiny had brought us together and I caught her. Her name's Katie."

Nurse Joy was horrified. "You just captured her?!" She marched straight over to Aureliano and retrieved Katie's poké-ball from his belt. "Oh, poor Katie, assuming that's really your name! Chansey, come with me!"

The two veterinarians rushed into the pokémon centre.

"Now, hang on a minute!" Aureliano protested. "That fellow owes me a battle!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but he's under arrest now," Officer Jenny pointed out.

"Uh... but..." Aureliano blustered. "We were supposed to have a dramatic confrontation, and..."

"It's all right, officers," Chrissie hastily reassured the woman and electabuzz. "Aureliano gets a little bit carried away. He means well, I think..." This was hardly the perfect start to their journey. "Aurie, they'll probably want you to make a statement about Sethlyn and-"

"Who?"

"Sethlyn Darkblood von Silverheart," Chrissie elaborated, gesturing to the redheaded boy. "You'll need to make a statement about what a meanie he is and how he needs the book thrown at him."

"I see," said Aureliano tersely. "Not how I'd do things, but fine..."

* * *

><p><strong>(That, gentle reader, is a page break.)<strong>

A couple of statements later, it was early evening, and our heroes were returning to the pokémon centre, where Aureliano planned to collect Katie.

"I mean, it's completely unfair!" Aureliano ranted. "I captured Katie fair and square. She belongs to me!"

"You can't talk like that, Aureliano," said Chrissie, now seriously worried about his sanity. "Pokémon aren't property. They're our friends and partners, and you can't capture a sick pokémon. You just can't!"

"Oooohh..." Aureliano seethed, taking a quick look at the grassy bits between suburban houses (Cherrygrove City being nothing but suburbs). There was lots of mud left over from a recent diglett migration. "You'd better hope my hair never gets hard to aim at, Chrissie. Then you'd be in for a pounding."

"Not if I pound you first," Chrissie pointed out. Aureliano was big and strong, sure, but it was she who'd spent most of her time being tough and adventurous in the wilderness.

"Whatever..." Aureliano sighed. "Ah, here we are!"

He kicked the doors open (no mean feat with sliding doors) and marched straight over to the reception desk. "Yo, Joy! I'm here for Katie. Hand her over, chop-chop!"

Chrissie rushed in after him, her fears about a serious incident flooding back.

"Katie? Meaning the poor, innocent dratini you captured while she was too weak to stop you?" Nurse Joy asked, not impressed. "It's good that you brought her here, but if you think I'll give her back to you-"

"Now, hang on a minute! You hardly know me!" Aureliano protested. "I'm a legendary hero of legend, baby. One who is legend, and I'll end your legs if you don't give me my pokémon!"

"End my legs?! Look, do you want to go with Sethlyn? There's plenty of room in the young offenders' centre," Nurse Joy pointed out.

"Well..." A seldom-used part of Aureliano's brain kicked in, reminding him that he was not necessarily the most powerful and important being in the world just yet. "All right, perhaps I may have been slightly... standoffish. Joy, will you take care of Katie for me?"

"Of course, until she's feeling better," Nurse Joy replied. "Now, unless you need anything else, don't let the door hit you on your way out."

"Wouldn't dream of it," said Aureliano primly. "Come on, Chrissie. Let's capture some pokémon this pink-haired bint might approve of."

"Is Arthur all right, then?" Chrissie asked, ignoring Aureliano.

"He's fine," Nurse Joy replied. "Once he's healthy again, I'll bring him back to Professor Elm. He can find a better trainer for him."

"That's wonderful!" Chrissie declared.

Aureliano glared at her. "Chrissie, don't you want to look for wild pokémon with me?"

"Er... not really," Chrissie replied. "I think I'd do fine on my own."

Not even bothering to insult her, Aureliano stormed out. Honestly, this Chrissie... He'd have his work cut out with her.

"I think I'll head to the forest near here," Chrissie informed Nurse Joy, once she was sure Aureliano had gone. "Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome. By the way, are you and Aureliano actually... with each other, or just in the same place for some reason?" asked Nurse Joy.

"I'm not really sure," Chrissie replied. "Now that Arthur's safe, Professor Elm won't need us to work together, so we're not exactly an item."

"_I sense a "but" coming,_" said Chansey perspicaciously.

"Well, I keep thinking I could be a good example for him..." Chrissie admitted. "Then again, I probably can't."

* * *

><p>Together, or apart? That was the question Chrissie asked herself as she and Chloe wandered through the forest around Cherrygrove City. Aureliano was selfish and arrogant, and saw Chrissie more as decoration than as a friend, but he was... actually, why was she even thinking this? That self-centred, tripe-brained, cauliflower-intestined, titanium-hearted plonker didn't deserve her one bit!<p>

"Come on, Chloe! Let's have lots of wonderful adventures!" declared Chrissie, the cheer of a newfound epiphany flooding through her.

"_Oh, yes! Do let's!_" Chloe agreed. "_I mean, that is our prerogative. Adventures are hardly thin on the ground for pokémon trainers, hence why we pokémon are so glad to stick with them. Not to mention the food, and plenty of battles, through which we grow and develop._"

"Well... that's nicely explained," said Chrissie, thrown slightly off her stride. "In any case, we're off!"

**~Ending Note~**

I have a plan for this story: serious author's notes at the end of each chapter, and parodical notes at the beginning. (As a general rule, if I say "like" all the time, I'm not being serious.) Aureliano and Chrissie's Legendary Johto Quest Adventure will be updated on a regularly irregular basis; my main focus is still Blake, Whitney and P.L.A.S.M.A: A Thousand Shades of Grey, but I will continue to work on both.

This here story will be a parody of many Pokémon-related things: the animé, bad fanfiction, bad parodies, good fanfiction, good parodies, the games, the manga, and possibly even the trading cards. I will occasionally just write funny stuff without bothering to parody anything, but rest assured that I intend to do my best to make this feast of literary delight go down in history.

The comment in the author's note at the start, referring to self-righteous meanies, was a joke. I happen to think constructive criticism is among the most helpful things anyone can give a writer. The "0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0" improvised page break has its charms, but can be somewhat annoying.


	2. Chapter the Second

**~Author's Note~**

By popular, like, demand, here's another, like, totally wicked and awesometastic chapter of, like, my amazing story! I hope you, like, like the, like, battle at the start, as I was up all, like, night getting it just, like, right. In, like, recognition of my, like, superhuman feats of literary awesomeness, please, like, leave lots of gushing and praise in your, like, reviews.

Oh, and there's, like, a totally cool reference to, like, a totally cool song in this chapter, so I must be, like, totally cool, mustn't I? I mean, like, I've said "totally cool" three times already, not, like, counting that last one, so, like, I must be!

**~Chapter 2: Aureliano vs Joey! The First of Many Battles!~**

It was a fine, early autumn day in the forests surrounding Cherrygrove City, and, despite having already spent the night there, Chrissie hadn't caught any pokémon.

"Maybe they're on strike, Chloe," Chrissie proposed, looking down at her talkative totodile.

"_Oh, no. The only pokémon strike in history was a general strike by unappreciated bug-type pokémon. Y'know, beedrills and butterfrees who get abandoned as soon as their enemies manage to keep up with their evolutionary boost,_" Chloe pointed out. "_I think our problem is more to do with coincidence, or lack of pokémon who want to travel with us. You might want to try advertising, or maybe-_"

With impeccable timing, a young, rather rash hoothoot flew into Chloe, sending her flying.

"Oh!" Chrissie cried, rushing over to help Chloe to her feet. She turned to the hoothoot in a towering fury. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"_I seek a master who is worthy of having me fight for them,_" the hoothoot replied, his deep, tough-sounding voice rather at odds with his miniscule stature. "_That totodile was in my way._"

Chrissie looked at Chloe. "Is he... does he want me to train him, then?"

"_Presumably, after you've proven your skill as a trainer,_" Chloe replied. "_Isn't there something about this in that pokédex of yours, though?_"

"Oh, right. Chloe, be a dear and fight him, will you?" said Chrissie.

Chloe nodded bravely.

"Mr Hoothoot, I accept your challenge," Chrissie declared. "Chloe, use scratch!"

Chloe ran at the hoothoot and scratched him. In response, the hoothoot tackled Chloe.

A bead of sweat rolled down Chrissie's cheek. This was more intense than anything she'd done before, even though she wasn't actually doing the fighting. "Chloe, be strong! Use scratch again!"

Chloe slashed the hoothoot once more. He staggered in pain, righted himself and, with a dangerous look in his eye, tackled Chloe again, sending her sprawling.

Chrissie was horrified. "Chloe, no! Please, you've got to get up, or at least work out how to use scratch on all fours! I believe in you!"

Whether it was Chrissie's belief or the mere suggestion that she should use scratch on all fours I do not know, but either way Chloe staggered to her feet, claws outstretched, and scratched the hoothoot a third time. Too injured to remain conscious, he fell to the ground in a daze.

"Oh, wow!" Chloe squealed. "I can't believe it. I've actually caught a hoothoot! Chloe, you're brilliant beyond belief!" She was ecstatic. Nothing, not even eating a warm chocolate croissant, could compare to the wonder of catching a pokémon for the first time.

"_You should probably consider using a poké-ball at some point,_" Chloe reminded Chrissie.

"Oh, right," Chrissie acknowledged sheepishly. She retrieved a poké-ball from her dungaree pocket, clearing her throat. "Poké-balls away!"

So saying, Chrissie tossed the poké-ball at the hoothoot. It landed on his feathery belly, split open and drew him in.

"_You're meant to shout "go poké-ball!" or something, not "poké-balls away". Idiot..._" the hoothoot muttered as the poké-ball enveloped him.

"Charming..." said Chrissie, replacing the poké-ball in her pocket and getting Chloe's out. "You should probably rest a bit now. Chloe, return!"

Chrissie thumbed the button on Chloe's poké-ball, recalling her. She smiled. "What with Aureliano and all, this day couldn't've gone any better. I wonder how he's getting on..."

* * *

><p>Nobody can resist such an obvious prelude to a scene change, so let's head on over to Aureliano, who had already made a start on Route 30.<p>

"All right... so I've got Cynder the cyndaquil, Shadowstorm the gible, Darkfang the axew, Abraxia the bagon and Spirit the vulpix. Not really a cool enough team, but needs must," the boy said to himself, inspecting the poké-balls hanging from his belt. His dad had sent him a few master balls, which cut out the need to bond with pokémon and all that guff, so now all Aureliano needed was someone to battle.

"Hey there!" called a cheerful voice.

Aureliano perked up. This would do nicely.

"Yeah?" Aureliano said laconically, as a young boy with a blue baseball cap, blue shorts and a yellow top wandered over.

"You're a pokémon trainer, aren't you? Wanna battle me?" the boy enquired. "My name's Joey, and I've got a rattata. She's in the top percentage of rattatas, so you won't beat us in a million years! Just warnin' ya."

Aureliano smirked awesomely, the result of many hours practicing in front of a mirror. "I'll beat you in a million femtoseconds." He retrieved one of the master balls hanging from his belt. "Darkfang, I choose you!"

With a flash of black and purple light and a sound like the galaxy being smashed to pieces by an electric guitar, Darkfang burst out of his master ball, light glinting off his tusks and fire in his eyes. "Axew! Xew xew axew!" he roared.

Joey took a step back. "Whoa! Is that... that's a larvitar, right?"

"What?! No, he's an axew! Idiot..." said Aureliano.

"Charming..." Joey retrieved his poké-ball. "Ratatta, let's go!"

With a rather more mundane flash of light, a small, purple, buck-toothed pokémon materialised in front of Joey with a cheerful cry of "Tatta!" She looked a bit highly strung, as most ratattas were, but there was a sharp gleam to her teeth (because sharp things gleam, don't they?), and her muscles weren't exactly hard to find under the fur.

Aureliano looked down his nose at Ratatta. "This won't be much fun. Whatever. Darkfang, outrage!"

Darkfang gave Aureliano a look of non-comprehension. "_I don't think I can use that move._"

"W-what?! Why the distortion realm not?!" Aureliano demanded.

"_I haven't done much battling, really. I'll need more practice._"

Aureliano sighed. "Well, what can you do?"

Darkfang thought for a moment, with Joey and Ratatta looking on in bemusement. "_Scratch, leer and assurance. Possibly dragon rage, if I really had to._"

"Are you kidding me?! That's pathetic!" snapped Aureliano.

"_I didn't ask you to capture me from out of nowhere, did I?_" said Darkfang archly.

"Oh... shut up!" Aureliano retorted. "Use assurance!"

Relieved, Darkfang gave Ratatta a very dark and assured slap in the face.

"Hyper fang!" Joey ordered. Baring her mighty fangs, Ratatta pounced on Darkfang and bit down on him with all her might.

"Axeeeew!" Darkfang cried, in serious pain.

"Counter it with scratch!" Aureliano commanded. Squaring his shoulders, Darkfang raised a claw-laden hand and slashed at Ratatta.

"Quick attack!" Joey shouted.

Ratatta grinned; this was her favourite part of a battle. Like a bullet, she zoomed out of reach of Darkfang's scratch, slingshotted around a tree and smashed into Darkfang, sending him flying into a bush.

Aureliano stared at the bush. "Good grief!" Without much haste, he made his way over to the bush, rummaged around inside for a bit, and retrieved Darkfang. The axew had been knocked out cold.

Aureliano gave Darkfang a jolly good shake. "Wake up! For pity's sake, this is no time to lie around!" He shot Joey a furious look. "You did this, you idiot boy. You and that ratatta!"

"Us?! But we were just battling!" Joey protested.

"You weren't meant to win! I wasn't meant to lose my first battle!" Aureliano shouted. "It's unfair! It's a foul! You're the most horrible boy in the world and I HATE YOU!" Poor, hard-done-by Aureliano fell to his knees in misery and confusion, weeping bitter tears.

Joey was completely nonplussed. "Why are you-? I mean... there's no need to cry." He lay a comforting hand on Aureliano's shoulder. "Losing happens. It isn't nice, but if someone wins, someone else has to lose, so it can't not happen, and you'll do better next-"

"Get away from me!" Aureliano snapped, making as if to bite Joey's hand. The youngster hastily retrieved it.

"Ratatta, do you think we should help him?" Joey asked worriedly.

"_He looks dangerous, but... well, we shouldn't leave him,_" Ratatta reasoned. "_We should probably make sure people know how he was treating that axew, too._"

"You're right." Joey attempted to heave Aureliano onto his shoulders and failed miserably. "Ratatta, can you head over to Keistriel Village and get someone?"

"_Sure thing,_" Ratatta acknowledged, and she was gone in a flash.

Joey gave a deep, heartfelt sigh. Aureliano was one marble short of a fun, simple game for all the family...

* * *

><p>As night fell, a girl with twin ponytails, a red top and blue dungarees was arriving in Keistriel Village with a spring in her step. Thanks to a chance encounter with a weedle who loved potato salad, Chrissie's pokémon team now numbered three, all looking forward to the many adventures ahead of them.<p>

And "many" was just the word: in addition to Keistriel Village, route 30 contained two more villages, a haunted mansion, an aquarium, several ancient ruins and a medium-sized town. It would take at least a couple of weeks to get to Violet City, and there was still the rest of the region after that. And then there was Kanto, and her parents had been talking about visiting New Zealand...

"Better rest while we can," Chrissie said to herself, absentmindedly sidestepping a parked ambulance on her way to the pokémon centre.

Wait. Ambulance?

Chrissie suddenly had a terrible sense of foreboding.

"Oh my gosh! Aureliano!" Chrissie cried. "What happened, exactly?"

Aureliano was looking rather faint, and could barely bring himself to stay upright on the pokémon centre's bench.

"What... happened?" Aureliano said faintly. "I... I lost a battle."

"Oh. Too bad," said Chrissie. "I mean, what happened to put you in such a bad way?"

Aureliano looked at her blankly. "I lost a battle. A Pyracardia isn't supposed to lose!" He curled up in a little ball and started crying again.

"Oh, come on! Losing isn't the end of the world. What matters is trying and... stuff," Chrissie inexpertly comforted him. "Failing doesn't make you a faliure."

"Yes it does!" Aureliano wailed. "I'm the most useless boy ever and I hate myself. I'm going to cut my wrists and wear black eye shadow and listen to sad music, and, um, mope about a bit, I suppose."

Chrissie shrugged. "Suit yourself." She was about to wander off when she felt a tug on her sleeve.

"Chrissie, aren't you the least bit sympathetic to my tragic plight?!" Aureliano demanded, looking rather offended.

"Er... a little," said Chrissie, retrieving her sleeve. "But you've been horrible to me all my life, so why should I be your friend now?"

"Well... you're a girl, aren't you?" said Aureliano, in a small voice. He simply couldn't comprehend the idea of a weak, soft-hearted female being so cruel to him.

Chrissie left in great haste. "Nurse Joy, can you give me a room as far away from his as possible, please?!"

* * *

><p>The next morning, over some porridge, orange juice, seed bites (for ratattas), chewy protein things (for totodiles), roast caterpie (for hoothoots) and leaves (for weedles), Chrissie met Joey. (The roast caterpie had been replicated, by the way, so no family of caterpies had to lose a loved one.)<p>

"I like your hat," Chrissie informed Joey, in between spoonfuls of porridge.

"Thanks. You should get one; it'd go with your dungarees," Joey suggested.

"Evening, all," said Aureliano loudly, swaggering over to the long tables. (There were a lot of mouths to feed at the pokémon centre.) "Chrissie, got a riddle for you. What wears a blue hat and is a pathetic loser?!"

"Here we go..." Joey sighed.

"You've met him, then?" said Chrissie sympathetically.

"Met him, battled him, won, suffered..." sighed Joey.

"_Bought the t-shirt,_" Ratatta agreed.

"Um, hello?! I'm talking to you!" said Aureliano loudly, snatching a plate of chips from a rather shocked woman. He plonked the plate between Chrissie and Joey, shoved their chairs apart, sat himself down and tucked in.

"Aurie... those were her chips! Honestly, I can't believe your unmitigated gall..." said Chrissie, rendered dumbstruck by Aureliano. "And since when did I know what "unmitigated gall" is?..."

"So what? She can get some more," said Aureliano, through a mouthful of fried potato.

"Those chips happen to be specially formulated to heal damaged cells," the woman pointed out, snatching back her plate. "Best thing there is for my breast cancer. Of course, if someone with healthy cells eats too many..."

Aureliano blanched. The woman, triumphant, went back to eating.

"...Anyway. Chrissie, got any new pokémon?" Aureliano asked.

"Yep. Introducing Variskor and Beatrice!" Chrissie declared, gesturing to the hoothoot and weedle, who waved to Aureliano. "Variskor wanted a worthy trainer, and me and Chloe proved I was worthy. Beatrice loves potato salad, so-"

"Not interested," Aureliano interrupted. "I, my young, pathetically tomboyish friend, have no less than five pokémon! Care to meet Darkfang?"

"Er-" said Chrissie.

"'Course ya do!" Aureliano shoved a couple of tables apart, knocking a few people over. The woman he had stolen from picked up her plate of chips and left without another word.

Aureliano retrieved one of his master balls and pressed the button. The usual massive flash of light and impossibly awesome sound followed, knocking over a few chairs and scattering food everywhere.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Nurse Joy cried, rushing angrily over to Aureliano. "This is a place of healing, shelter, companionship and free food, and you've done nothing but-"

"Don't care, ain't listening," Aureliano interrupted. "Behold Darkfaaaaa..." He looked down in sudden horror to see not an axew, but a small piece of paper. Deathly silent, Aureliano took up the paper and examined it thoroughly.

"Gone elsewhere. Refuse to serve a trainer like you. Not sorry," Aureliano read. "W-what?! I mean... how did he learn how to write?! Pokémon can't write, and even if they could, his hands were tiny! I don't know... pokémon these days seem to-"

"Don't care! Not listening!" snapped Chrissie, Joey, Nurse Joy, about ten more pokémon trainers and countless pokémon. Aureliano blanched even more.

"You've done nothing here but annoy people and make trouble, young Pyracardia," Nurse Joy clarified.

"I was just trying to show these numbskulls my new pokémon," Aureliano protested. "If you've got chairs and food that blow away with the slightest provocation, I don't see how you can call this place a pokémon centre. I'll bet you and your hideous chansies hide under the bed whenever a _real_ trainer comes by, don't you?"

Chrissie put her head in her hands, then realised this might make it seem as if she was sympathetic to Aureliano, and so lifted her head again. Nurse Joy's fury was radiating off her- an Aura-sensitive person would have a headache by now- but Aureliano kept on ranting regardless.

"I mean, what if Lance came here to give one of his dragonites a bath? One swipe of its claws and there's a table gone! One little draco meteor aimed badly and the whole pokémon centre's on fire! Pathetic. What kind of a one-horse establishment-?!"

One of the chansies took Aureliano by the hand and set about leading him firmly to the door.

"You brought this upon yourself, you know," Nurse Joy informed him icily.

"Hey, now! Let go!" Aureliano protested. "This is a public building, you overgrown egg savant! I have a right to be here! You can't do this to me! I'm Aureliano Pyracard-"

He was thrown unceremoniously out of the door.

"_Just a few technical difficulties there,_" the chansey said calmly. "_Rest assured, normal service has been resumed._"

In various states of shock and amazement, the crowd went back to eating, putting chairs the right way up, cleaning the floor, and so on.

Joey, completely bemused by Aureliano, looked at Chrissie. Chrissie, understanding, looked at Joey. Ratatta looked at Chloe, Variskor and Beatrice. Chloe, Variskor and Beatrice looked at Ratatta.

"Interesting kid," Joey finally decided. "A bit loud, though."

"I know... Who do you think this Darkfang was, then?" asked Chrissie.

"His axew," Joey replied.

"Oh. Wait, aren't they Unovan?" said Chrissie. "If there's one here, then..."

"It's all a bit weird," Joey agreed. "We'd better just ignore him."

"Fair enough," said Chrissie. She fell silent for a moment. "Are you going to Nastrambli Village any time soon? Only that's where I'm headed."

"Probably not," Joey replied. "Although, I hear there's this boy there called Snowy. He's a pokémon trainer, and he's always looking for worthy opponents. You might wanna see if you can find him."

"Snowy? Sure, I'll look for him," Chrissie agreed. "Oh, and, by the way..." She retrieved a pencil and piece of paper from her satchel, using the former to write a quick message on the latter, which she handed to Joey. "This is my phone number. If Aureliano gives you a hard time, call me, all right? Or call Interpol, whatever suits you."

"Interpol?! He's not that... well, thanks for the number," said Joey, accepting the piece of paper. He tore one of the pieces off and wrote his own number on it, clearing his throat. "We've just met, and this is crazy-"

Chrissie laughed, taking the piece of paper. "That song craze was over years ago! Not altogether sure how I heard it, actually."

"Nor am I," Joey agreed. "Definitely not after I got lost in a nightclub I was half the minimum age for."

Joey fell strangely quiet. Knowing better than to pursue the issue, Chrissie chugged down the remainder of her orange juice, rising to her feet. "Shall we go?"

"Okay," Joey agreed.

"Then let's g-"

Chrissie's eyes were suddenly drawn to Aureliano, beating in vain on the doors.

"Back door," Joey proposed.

Chrissie nodded. "We'll leave a "thank you" note."

**~Ending Note~**

As well as being a parody, this story will contain advice for pokémon fanfiction writers on how to not to end up writing about someone like Aureliano. My advice may not necessarily present all possible styles and viewpoints, but should help aspiring pokémon writers avoid common pitfalls, and give more experienced writers a bit of a laugh. Any experts who wish to advise me on my advice are welcome so to do. In any case, here are a few points of order:

Point of order the first: A pokémon trainer's first capture, besides the free pokémon a local professor gives them, will likely be a common pokémon. A ratatta, pidgey, sentret, starly, fletchling, lillipup, patrat, pidove, zigzagoon, poochyena, weedle, scatterbug, wurmple, purrloin or caterpie are the usual choices, and the battle between that pokémon and the trainer's starter will probably involve a straightforward exchange of simple attacks. It doesn't always end in success. Basically, the key is to be realistic about capturing pokémon, so far as realism fits your personal style.

It is possible to subvert the usual first capture: suppose Chrissie won the HM for surf in a raffle, taught it to Chloe, and captured the houndour she subsequently knocked out? Similarly, a newly-minted pokémon trainer who's taken a bit of time to study pokémon in general could capture a more powerful pokémon; whether that depends purely on strategy or on the bond they and their starter share is up to the writer's style. It's important not to go too far, though. Unless the story is _extremely_ well-written, a pokémon trainer getting free master balls and capturing a team of pseudo-legendaries won't work, except in a parody (or if they're already an experienced pokémon trainer with a good reason to go capturing powerful pokémon willy-nilly).

Point of order the second: There are many arrogant and obnoxious pokémon trainers, true, but most know how to toe the line. If your character is supposed to be "good", don't have them act like an obnoxious bully; if they are an obnoxious bully, have them suffer the inevitable consequences. If Ash made fun of everyone who lost a battle to him, abused Pikachu, constantly teased Misty for being a tomboy and took Brock's cooking for granted, they'd probably ditch him and travel with Ritchie. No-one would find Ash appealing as a main character under those circumstances, hence why the animé producers endeavour to make him likeable and morally upstanding. Thus, be sure to give your protagonists a reasonable amount of good qualities. (What happens with too many good qualities is a whole different kettle of magikarps.)

Point of order the third: Pokémon trainers lose battles fairly often, unless they're Lance, Cynthia or Red. (Or Steven, Diantha, Alder, Iris, Wallace, etc.) For a character to angst over a recent loss as part of their character development is fine, but overdoing it or misusing the emotions will make the scene seem overdone. Losing should not crush the confidence of an experienced pokémon trainer or put a novice off for good, and, as I believe I have demonstrated, anybody who gets overly hung up about losing may seem rather petulant.


	3. Chapter the Third

**~Author's Note~**

(NB: The following author's note is **completely serious**. It probably won't happen again.)

Yo! Here's the next, like, mega-awesometastic chapter of, like, my totes amazeballs story. There's a new, like, character in this chapter, who's, like, a male Misty-Iris hybrid. I mean, a male version of, like, the stereotypical "feisty" character archetype, like, thrown in by some pretty dreadful writers who want to, like, "keep all those bloody feminists happy". As you can, like, see, he ain't always especially feisty.

As a, like, proud feminist myself, I always, like, know how to keep myself and, like, other feminists happy, and it's, like, by having more girls like Chrissie. You know what I, like, mean: girls too busy being children, having fun, being curious and getting messy a lot to, like, care about "girly" things. Realistic girls. Girls with, like, depth and stuff, with more to them then just feistiness or girliness, which can, like, get a little one-dimensional.

To be clear, I ain't, like, saying wearing dresses and make-up is, like, wrong, it just ain't, like, the be-all and end-all of girlhood. Plus, a, like, girl (or indeed boy) who only cares about, like, looking good and staying clean might not be, like, suited to the pokémon trainer's lifestyle. And being specifically feisty is a lot better than nothing.

**~Chapter 3: Chrissie Meets a Feisty Ice Trainer called Snowy! Aureliano Does so Too!~**

It was a bright, sunny afternoon, not too common at this time of year, as our intrepid heroine Chrissie made her way over a hill. You'd think she would be happy, but no, for huffing along behind her was the one person guaranteed to ruin anyone's good mood.

"Chrissie, for Arceus's sake, slow down!" Aureliano panted. "I mean, have you not even noticed how steep this is?!"

Chrissie looked back at him, not convinced. "Steep? It's not that bad."

"I don't have your crazy mountain-goat legs!" Aureliano retorted, referring to a mythical creature known as a "goat", popularised in a much-loved animé, manga, video game and trading card franchise. "It's practically a cliff, woman, and we're on loam. Slow the distortion realm down!"

Chrissie looked down at the rock-solid, ultra-compressed earth under her feet, which hardly even got muddy during floods thanks to all the cars and heavy pokémon trampling it down. She contemplated the barely-noticeable slope, Aureliano's rugged combat boots, her own football boots (it would be confusing if she wore trainers) and how fit the two of them were.

"Sorry to break this to you, but you're a couch potato. Laters!" Chrissie declared, rushing off down the far side.

"What?! What, I mean... what?!" Aureliano wailed. "How can you say that?! I stand up as much as the next boy! I must've spent literally a few hours outdoors every bloody week when I couldn't get a good enough wi-fi signal for my 3DS! Besides, I'm a pokémon trainer now, so it's all go. I mean, for the pokémon daycare people."

Chrissie, who played outside every day, made friends with wild pokémon and occasionally borrowed a friend's computer, declined to comment.

"Look, Chrissie, I'll square with you. You're making me look bad," said Aureliano severely. "A girl shouldn't climb better than a boy, even if she is some sort of forest princess. Can you not just slow down a little and-"

Deciding she was very much his moral superior, Chrissie was gone in a flash.

* * *

><p>Nastrambli Village was a fairly typical Japanese village: a hundred or so houses, a small pokémon centre, some shops and a berry plantation. Chrissie remembered having a quick look at the village in her Johto guidebook, and she couldn't wait to see the plantation. She'd grown a pecha berry plant once; it hadn't really come out that well, but it had been an education in and of itself.<p>

It was evening by now, however, and Chrissie's pokémon were all a little worse for wear following an incident with an ursaring. Beatrice had somehow managed to get him with poison sting, getting flattened for her troubles, so the pokémon centre was our intrepid heroine's main priority. It was well signposted as usual, so Chrissie had little trouble finding it. As she stepped over the threshold, the warm lighting and generally pleasant decor made her feel quite at home and glad not to have Aureliano with her.

"Nurse Joy, will you examine my pokémon, please?" asked Chrissie, heading over to the ubiquitous pink-haired woman/sacred spirit of healing behind the reception desk. She wasn't entirely sure how it worked; Nurse Joys always seemed to have been there, even in ancient clay tablets and even ancienter cave paintings. "One of them got sat on by an ursaring. I really hope she's all right..."

"I can certainly have a look," Nurse Joy replied. Chrissie handed over her three poké-balls, noticing the nurse's gaze lingering over Beatrice's ball. "She's certainly flat... Don't worry unduly, though. Pokémon faint before they're at risk of permanent damage, and it helps them heal, too. Just make sure you battle any more ursarings with a bigger pokémon."

"I will. Thank you," said Chrissie. "It's just I thought the needle on her head would keep her safe..."

"When you get feet as big as an ursaring's, a weedle's horn won't mean that much to you," Nurse Joy pointed out absentmindedly as she loaded the poké-balls into the healing/unfainting machine.

Chrissie looked thoughtfully down at her feet. Her dungarees made it look as if she had thick legs, but there was actually quite a lot of airspace she was meant to "grow into" over the next couple of years; even if she got twice as big, however, she'd still be dwarfed by ursarings, and her feet, she suspected, would always be vulnerable to sharp things. Then again, it wasn't as if she tended towards stomping on sharp objects. No-one did.

* * *

><p>"YEOW!" Aureliano wailed, leaping a clean two feet (sixty centimetres, 0.6 metres, the tiniest fraction of a lightyear, twenty-four inches) into the air. After hopping around in agony for a bit, he managed to get his act together and, weeping from the sheer intensity of the pain, pull the broken-off piece of sandslash spike out of his foot. How it got through the sole of his boot he'd never know, but at least he'd caught the sandslash.<p>

Slowly, carefully, Aureliano stood up. White-hot pain immediately lashed through his foot. It was no good; that little bit of spike had lamed him. He'd never walk again! His foot would be infected, there'd be more broken-off bits inside... this was the end for Aureliano Pyracardia, erstwhile son of Lysander.

After a few minutes of not dying, Aureliano finally realised it might be an idea to take his shoe off and inspect the damage. So he did, wincing as he pulled off his sock, then staring in amazement at the miniscule cut on his sole. It wasn't even bleeding that much, so how could it be so painful?!

Well, it was no use moping around; he needed to clean the wound. Spying a small stream by a gap in the thick forest, Aureliano limped over, dipped his foot in, screamed, beat off a curious magikarp and gave his foot a quick wash. Now he needed a bandage.

"Let's see, now..." Aureliano muttered, going through the contents of his backpack, "pokégear, pokédex, sun tan lotion, change of clothes, CD player, packed lunch, pokémon medicine, spare goggles, portable TV, tent, bedroll, pyjamas, laptop, solar panel, camping stove, mirror, microwave, motorbike, katana... no bandages? No plasters?!" Aureliano couldn't believe his parents' stupidity. Why hadn't they reminded him to bring medical supplies?!

Sighing, Aureliano retrieved a scarf from his bag and wrapped it loosely around his foot, pulled his sock on over foot and scarf, and shoved the whole lot back into his boot. He knew he'd have to tough it; doing so had always seemed like a noble goal, but Aureliano had never realised just how little fun it was.

And so, as Aureliano limped off to Nastrambli Village, he reflected for at least the fiftieth time just how unfair this whole pokémon training lark was, and wondered why he wasn't better prepared. Clearly, it was Chrissie's fault.

* * *

><p>It turned out Snowy lived on Nastrambli Village's outskirts, his gym situated in the enormous garden his entire street shared. It wasn't exactly the greatest of gyms, though.<p>

"Nastrambli Village Pokémon Gym (unofficial). Leader: Snowy, the Tomboyish Snowman. If gym leader isn't here, please feel free to wait," Chrissie read aloud. She hadn't been expecting the crude wooden signpost, written on in permanent marker, and she certainly hadn't been expecting the treehouse, but this was clearly the place.

"Hello? Snowy?!" Chrissie called. There was no reply. Chrissie shrugged, waited a few minutes and, getting slightly tired of the whole thing, climbed the rope ladder into the treehouse. It was a fairly robust wooden building, complete with chairs, board games and a stash of boiled sweets, and, hidden under a chair, a box of gym badges. Well, I say "gym badges"; they were made from cardboard, and the pokémon league probably didn't even know about this place, but Chrissie still planned on winning one.

There was a bit of a wait involved. Chrissie passed the time by looking up interesting pokémon in her pokédex, checking the weather forecast, and, after establishing it would rain a bit over the next few days before turning mild again, helping herself to one of the boiled sweets. Then she got out her folding bicycle (her satchel was an old model, so a full-sized bicycle wouldn't have fit) and started polishing it. After about ten minutes, she adjusted the saddle a little, getting it just right for prolonged peddling. Then she blew the tyres up a bit more, and was just about to try and oil the chain when Snowy arrived.

"Oi! What're you doing in here?!" came an affronted cry, belonging to an olive-skinned boy about Chrissie's age, possibly a year older, with dark blue hair in a short ponytail. His clothes consisted of just a blue vest, some silvery grey shorts and a pair of snowboots.

"Er... I'm sorry about the bike, I just thought I might as well tinker with it a little. The sign said I could wait-"

"Outside," Snowy interrupted. "Out. Side. What makes you think you can just waltz into someone else's house and make yourself at home?!"

"I'm sorry, it's just the sign wasn't clear, and... well, I didn't mean any harm." Under the watchful eyes of a slightly mollified Snowy, Chrissie packed away her bicycle and tool set (one spanner, a greasy cloth and a small bicycle pump). "If you want me to leave, I'll be gone sort of now-ish, but I'd quite like to battle you."

"Me? Well, I can't deny thrashing the pants off you-"

"Dungarees," Chrissie corrected him. "They're not pants, and besides, "pants" is an Americanism. We call them "trousers" here in Japan, don't we?"

Snowy blinked. "Well... yeah, I suppose... THIS IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!" He took a deep breath to steady himself. "Since you were able to wait long enough to tinker with your bike out of sheer boredom, I suppose I'll battle you, but you'd better have interesting pokémon."

"You bet I have!" Chrissie agreed. "I have a weedle, a totodile and a hoothoot."

Snowy's eyes went as wide as saucers. "A WEEDLE?! Oh, nononononononoooooo!" So saying, he dove clean out the window, landing flat on his face at the bottom.

Chrissie stared after him, hardly able to reconcile what had just happened with her perceptions of reality. Such a confident, easily angered person, yet the mere thought of a weedle sent him scurrying out the window?! Finally getting her act together, Chrissie descended the rope ladder in a more controlled fall, rushing over to the terrified gym leader. "Snowy, are you all right?!"

"I'm f-fine," Snowy replied shakily. "Just... don't mention bug-types around me, all right? They... petrify me."

Chrissie nodded understandingly, herself not overly fond of carnivines (their mouths were distressingly large). "Butterfrees in your stomach?"

Snowy flinched. "No! N-not butterfrees, beautiflies, dustoxes, anything!"

"Oh. Uh... zubats in your stomach, then."

"That'll do fine," said Snowy, rising to his feet a little more calmly. "Right. Uh... the battle. Come along."

He led Chrissie a few metres away to a chalk outline on the grass, probably representing a battle arena, talking as he did so. "You know, you're lucky I'm still here, to be honest. My parents are kind of pressuring me to pack in the gym leader stuff, what with the collateral damage, so I'm going away to be a travelling trainer tomorrow. I was hoping for some company on the trip, though... preferrably a girl with brown hair, a red top, football boots of some sort, blue dungarees and, you know, a huge appetite for life."

It was Chrissie's turn to have her eyes go as wide as saucers. "Really?! And it's just a coincidence that I'm all of those things?"

Snowy stopped short, giving Chrissie the once-over as if seeing her for the first time. "Come to think of it, yeah... Do you want some company on your journey?"

"Hmm... well, as long as it isn't Aureliano, company's fine by me," Chrissie decided.

"...Isn't who?" asked Snowy.

"It doesn't matter. If he shows up, I'll point him out to you," Chrissie replied.

"Fair enough," said Snowy. "Anyway, the battle. I'll battle with Sneasel and Seel, you use Totodile and Hoothoot, all right?"

"All right, and their names are Chloe and Variskor," Chrissie confirmed.

Snowy nodded, taking his place at the far end of the battlefield. "When both of anyone's pokémon are unable to battle, the other one wins, all right?"

"All right, and can we not say "all right" in every sentence?" Chrissie asked.

"I won't if you won't," said Snowy levelly. He retrieved a poké-ball from his pocket, giving the pokémon inside an encouraging look. "Sneasel, I choose you!"

With a flash of light, a black-and-red waist-high humanoid burst forth, complete with massive claws and a feather on his head. "Snea sneasel sneasel snea," he said calmly.

Chrissie retrieved one of her poké-balls. "Go, Variskor!"

With a similar flash of light, the fearsome hoothoot materialised in front of Chrissie, his wings outstretched like those of an avenging angel.

Snowy wasted no time. "Use quick attack!"

Like an arrow, Sneasel launched himself at Variskor, knocking him onto his back. None too deterred, Variskor righted himself and leapt into the air, flapping up out of Sneasel's reach.

_He must be about Variskor's level if a quick attack doesn't do all that much damage,_ Chrissie reasoned. All the same, having a little advantage couldn't hurt. "Hypnosis!"

Variskor gave Chrissie a withering look. "_He's dark-type._"

"...Oh," said Chrissie, feeling a little silly. "In that case, tackle!"

"_More like it._" With a beat of his mighty wings, Variskor launched himself into a diving tackle, hitting Sneasel square in the tummy.

"Scratch, let's go!" Snowy retorted, and before Chrissie or Variskor knew what was happening, Sneasel was clawing Variskor with impunity.

"Quick, get higher up!" Chrissie cried. "Use growl from on high!"

(She had always wanted to say "from on high", but opportunities never really showed up in normal conversations.)

Shaking Sneasel off, Variskor flew a good few metres into the air, got his positioning just right and gave Sneasel his fiercest growl. Sneasel flinched a little.

"Sneasel, stay strong. Use taunt!" Snowy ordered.

Sneasel waved his bottom at Variskor. Unable to take such impudence, Variskor zipped down and tackled Sneasel again. Sneasel dug his claws in, absorbing the tackle and getting Variskor in a headlock.

Snowy grinned triumphantly. "Feint attack."

Sneasel, moving too quickly for the eye to see, gave Variskor a punch on the beak, knocking him out.

Chrissie's heart sank. "Oh, no... Variskor, don't be ashamed, it happens. I'll try not to be too ashamed either, unless... well, my strategy wasn't really at fault, and you were as good as ever, so the failure was... um." She'd lost the plot a little. "Variskor, return."

With Variskor safely back in his poké-ball, Chrissie retrieved Chloe's ball. "Here's my other pokémon, and possibly the strongest. We won't hold back one bit! Go, Chloe!"

Chloe materialised with the customary flash of light, and a fierce battle cry of "Totototodile!"

"Then let's continue," said Snowy. "Quick attack!"

"Water gun!" Chrissie countered. Sneasel charged at Chloe, hitting her before she'd even opened her mouth, and sending the water gun flying in all directions. Chrissie and Snowy both ended up a little wet.

"Now follow it up with scratch!" Snowy commanded.

"Close-quarters water gun!" Chrissie ordered. Close-quarters was another phrase she'd been hoping to use at some point, and Chloe delivered, blasting Sneasel head-over-heels with a stream of water.

"And rage!" Chrissie followed up. Chloe, imagining herself as a feraligatr to work herself up, laid into Sneasel with a wrathful attack. Sneasel, unable to take any more, fainted.

"Yay! That was brilliant!" said Chrissie, overjoyed.

"Not too shabby, Sneasel, old shoe," said Snowy levelly, recalling Sneasel. "Now here's pokémon number two. Seel, let's go!"

Seel, a white, seal-like pokémon materialised before Snowy, her kind's weirdly long tongue waving in the wind.

"I think you'd best keep using rage," Chrissie decided. "Use rage!"

Still enraged, Chloe pounced on Seel, clobbering her even more fiercely than before.

Snowy shrugged. "Headbutt."

Seel reared up on her tail and hind flippers, then smashed down on top of Chloe, knocking her out.

"...Oh." said Chrissie. "Chloe, return."

Chloe returned to her poké-ball.

"That was some good raging, there," Chrissie reassured Chloe. "You'll be a good match for Seel in no time!" She turned to Snowy, all traces of disappointment at losing gone. "Snowy, that was the best pokémon battle I've ever had! Makes sense, seeing as you're the first trainer I've actually battled, but still. It was wicked!"

"...First? In that case, your gall's unmitigated. I'm impressed!" Snowy declared. "How long've you been a pokémon trainer, anyway?"

"Just a couple of days," Chrissie replied.

"...Couple of days. You... after a couple of days... beat Sneasel." Snowy looked thoughtful. "Ours should be an interesting journey, Chrissie. How'd you think you'll fare against a weavile and a dewgong?!"

"Fine, assuming I get more talented and my pokémon get more powerful," said Chrissie breezily. "In any case, we'd better head to the pokémon centre."

* * *

><p>At the pokémon centre, as Snowy, Chrissie, Chloe, Beatrice, Variskor, Seel and Sneasel enjoyed their lunch, the inevitable happened. Of all the moments he could choose to turn up, he chose this one.<p>

"Stand aside! I take LARGE STEPS!" Aureliano roared, kicking open the sliding doors (I really can't fathom how) and trying to stride over to the reception desk, whereupon his stricken foot decided it had had enough and sent him sprawling painfully on the floor.

"I meant to do that..." Aureliano said bitterly, rising unsteadily to his feet. Noticing Chrissie, he added, "Look what you've got me into, you subatomic-brained bidoof! If you hadn't left me in the lurch, my foot'd be all right!"

Chrissie sighed. "Snowy, Sneasel, Seel, your names all start with S for some reason, so allow me to introduce Aureliano."

"I get what you meant about him," Snowy agreed.

"AM I BEING IGNORED?!" Aureliano demanded, suddenly breathing down Chrissie's neck. "I DO NOT LIKE BEING IGNORED!"

"Can you please keep it down?!" shouted a young man sitting nearby.

"Shut it!" retorted Aureliano.

"Aureliano, this is my friend Snowy. Seel and Sneasel are with him," said Chrissie, gesturing in turn to the three icy people.

"Charmed," Aureliano sniffed, not shaking Snowy's hand. "What are you doing with this miserable butch lesbian who's no good to man or beast?"

"I... don't quite know what you mean, but before you start being mean about lesbians, get it into that thick skull of yours that I like boys," said Snowy coldly (no pun intended).

Aureliano considered that for a moment, realised what Snowy meant, and was promptly horrified. "You're... you're a homo!"

Uncomprehending, Snowy looked at Chrissie. "What's a homo when it's at... er, home?"

"I think it's a slur," Chrissie replied gravely.

"Oh, is it?" Snowy growled. He retrieved a metre-long wooden sledgehammer from his pocket. "Do you want some of this?!"

"_I'd advise you to walk away, Aureliano,_" Seel suggested worriedly. "_Snowy goes through with his threats._"

Sneasel said nothing, merely contemplating his claws.

Aureliano considered making a retort, decided against it and just hobbled away, sighing and shaking his head.

Chrissie gave Snowy a big, cheesy grin, which he gladly returned. "That was the best I've ever seen anyone deal with him! But, uh, where did you get the mallet?"

"Trade secret," Snowy replied, winking as he put the sledgehammer back in his pocket. "Are we going straight to Aslabekiri Town, or are we stopping by that mysterious abandoned mansion on the way?"

"I'd quite like to have a look at the mansion," Chrissie replied.

"Then we will. We're not exactly pressed for time," said Snowy.

**~Ending Note~**

As you can see, this chapter has been quite heavy on social justice. In the wonderful world of Pokémon, most people (who aren't Aureliano) are pretty forward-thinking about feminism, gay rights, lesbian rights, bisexual rights, transsexual rights, pansexual rights, intersex rights, asexual rights, queer rights in general, racial equality and religious tolerance.

A point of order: Aureliano isn't really suited to the pokémon trainer's lifestyle. As a middle-class child with wealthy parents and no real fondness for the great outdoors, he rarely found himself needing to sleep under the stars, make his own food, care for pokémon or take care of himself. (This is not specifically because he's privileged, but that was a contributing factor.)

In a moderately realistic story, any child would need some survival skills make it as a pokémon trainer. In less realistic stories, you needn't worry so much about your characters being survival experts. It's Pokémon, for crying out loud! Get off your high horses and have fun! On the flipside, there could be a world where only people over the age of 21 who have taken a year-long intensive course can become pokémon trainers. When you have an imagination, the possibilities are endless.

A point of order on Snowy: If you try to write a "strong female character", avoid making her traditionally feminine in every single way. A woman can, of course, have "girly" traits and still be empowered; she can also be really quite pathetic in most ways but still an interesting and engaging character, providing you write her well enough. However, if your character likes dancing and picking flowers, hates getting dirty, loves cooking, needs to be rescued by the men at least once in every chapter and never really does anything useful, putting a sword in her hand and calling her a tomboy won't make a difference. Similarly, giving a particularly tough female character a phobia thought to be common among women, such as spiders or mice, isn't actually a particularly good way of giving her depth. Snowy is closer to this end; he's a Strong Female Character in all but actual gender, and terrified of bugs. Just like Misty.

Another point of order: running an unofficial gym out of a treehouse is probably the kind of thing young pokémon trainers might do. Just a thought.


	4. Chapter the Fourth

**~Author's Note~**

I'm, like, running out of ideas for, like, author's notes by now, so there isn't gonna, like, be much in this one. It ain't because I'm, like, lazy, it's just that I get kinda, like, shagged out from writing the actual, like, totally uber-epic chapters. So... um...

**Chrissie:** On with the story?

Yeah, that's ri- wait, since when could you, like, talk?!

**Chrissie:** _(shrugs)_ Since always. I know I'd picked up the basics by the time I was four, so I probably couldn't talk at first, but I'm an expert now!

...That isn't quite what I, like, meant. In, like, any case, on with the, like, story!

**Chrissie:** I just said that, you know.

Shut up.

**Chrissie:** Charming...

**~Chapter 4: Hijinks at the Haunted House! Why does the Animé Keep Shoehorning in Episodes Like This, Anyway?! I Mean, they Have their Charms, but Once You've Seen One Haunted House Episode, You've Seen them All!~**

It was a cold, grey, miserable day on route 30, perfect for visiting an abandoned mansion, but completely dreadful for anything else.

"Yippee! I love rain!" Chrissie declared, marvelling in the sensation of cool, clear water cascading all around her. "Do you like rain, Snowy? I sure do!"

"Snow's better, but rain'll do," replied Snowy. "We should head to that abandoned mansion. The garden's always full of mud when it rains like this."

"I can hardly wait!" said Chrissie, delighted. "D'you think pokémon like mud?"

"Some of them do, for sure," replied Snowy. "The mansion's a few miles along this route. We'd probably spend the night there anyway, so..."

"Won't whoever owns the mansion mind us using it?" asked Chrissie, quite reasonably.

"Of course not! It's abandoned," Snowy pointed out. "I mean, I just said "abandoned"! You're such a kid."

"...I am?" Chrissie didn't quite know what to make of that remark, but she knew what to make of Snowy marching off in a huff. "Hey, wait a minute! I'm only as much a kid as you are! Besides, "kid" is a demeaning word. We're called children!"

There was no reply, so Chrissie ran after Snowy, hoping to catch up soon. Hopefully, him insulting her and then leaving would be a one-off thing. Otherwise she might as well travel with Aureliano.

* * *

><p>Chrissie absolutely loved getting muddy. Her mum and dad had always been happy for her to get dirty; soap was cheap, baths cost nothing and mud was everywhere. (Chrissie didn't fully understand their financial situation, but her parents often had very serious discussions late at night when she supposedly couldn't hear, so she tried to oblige them.)<p>

Of course, this meant Chrissie's wellington boots were a size too big, so she could grow into them. Her shirt, jacket, dungarees, socks, everyday boots, swimming costume and other miscellaneous garments were also too big. They'd fit better in a couple of years, but right now, the main upshot of Chrissie's loose clothes was that her boots tended to come off in the mud. No biggie, though.

"Isn't this place just amazingly squishy?!" Chrissie squeaked, stomping barefoot around the abandoned mansion's garden. What with the rain and Chloe deciding to spend the evening practicing her aqua jets (she was from a rare breed of totodiles which can use aqua jet), there was wet, sloppy, gooey mud all over the place, enough for the whole group (minus Seel and Variskor, who were too mature for this type of thing) to romp around in.

"Again, snow's better," said Snowy ambivalently.

"How can you say that when you haven't taken your shoes off?" Chrissie pointed out.

"...Chrissie, I'm wearing a vest, a pair of shorts and these shoes, and I'm already cold and wet. I'm not losing any clothes," replied Snowy obstinately.

"Oh, right."

Chrissie, Snowy, Chloe, Beatrice and Sneasel enjoyed the mud in silence (well, apart from shouting, laughter and lots of splashes and squelches) for the next few minutes, then Chrissie decided to broach another subject weighing on her mind.

"Why don't you wear more clothes, then?"

Snowy stared at her incredulously. "...More clothes?"

"Yeah. Additional clothes, I mean, which are less cold than those," Chrissie clarified. Snowy looked as cold and wet as an ice cube, and she couldn't help but wonder what the cure for hypothermia was.

"Chrissie... you really are nuts," Snowy sighed. "Completely bananas. It is inconceivable that I could wear- actually, that's not a bad idea."

With Chrissie and assorted pokémon looking on in bemusement, Snowy retrieved a raincoat, a kilt and some leg warmers from his mallet pocket, then made a concerted effort to put them on without getting mud all over them. It didn't really work.

"Well?" Snowy prompted, spreading his newly-attired arms wide to show off every inch of his outfit.

"_The height of sartorial excellence,_" declared Sneasel, who had the fashion sense of someone with no fashion sense whatsoever.

"_Brilliant!_" Chloe agreed.

"How... how does it fit?!" Chrissie wailed.

"Quantum pockets. I'm still not taking my shoes off, though," said Snowy stubbornly. "They mean a lot to me. They were my brother's. The only things he gave me, besides skiing lessons and a recipe for pancakes..."

This was news to Chrissie. "You have a brother, do you?"

It was also news to Sneasel. "_I thought you had no brother._"

"I did," said Snowy, a distant look passing across his face. "He died. My mum bribed Articuno into getting him out of the spirit world, but he was never the same…"

"Oh. That's so sad…" Chrissie commented. It didn't sound very comforting now that she'd said it, but speeches weren't her strong point. "What was he like?"

"I've forgotten," Snowy replied. "Fraternal, I guess."

* * *

><p>The abandoned mansion was still in pretty good condition, so everyone was able to enjoy a hot bath after the mud. Chrissie attempted to cook dinner, resulting in some fried meat and rather damp rice, and Snowy hung up the humans' wet clothes while Sneasel laid the table. Chloe spewed a few water guns into the kettle, only for Variskor to tell her she was disgusting and that there was a perfectly good cold tap. Seel got the fire going. Beatrice watched.<p>

"Well, this is… interesting," Snowy commented, chewing thoughtfully on some rice. He and the rest of the group were seated in a ring around a massive brick fireplace, fuelled by several logs and Beatrice's poison stings, but not even the atmosphere could distract from what the rice was lacking.

"I know it isn't perfect, but I've never cooked rice before," Chrissie pointed out. In spite of those words, her rice plate was already empty, and she was making a start on the meat. "Frying, now, that's simple. Simpler than rice, anyway."

"What kind of meat is it, anyway?" asked Snowy, taking a dubious look at his piece of meat. It was pale, looked quite fatty, and smelled almost like fish.

"I haven't a clue. It was all there was in the freezer," Chrissie replied blithely. "The last people here left a note, but all they said was that it'd been replicated."

"I don't know… Seel, you've got a good nose. Can you tell if this meat's poisonous?" asked Snowy.

Seel took a sniff of her own portion. "_Hmm… it's safe, I think. I'm sure Chrissie did her best cooking it, by the way._"

"Naturally," Chrissie interjected proudly.

"_It smells familiar, though,_" Seel added.

"_Did you eat meat like this before, then?_" asked Beatrice.

"_No…_" Seel replied unsurely. "_It's just… sort of…_" She took a tentative bite of the meat, and immediately regretted it. "_Oh heavens above! This is seel meat!_"

"Whaaaaa?!" cried Snowy, now staring in horror at the meat as if it had been carved from Seel herself. "I… I thought it was just protein and stuff…"

"It is, it's just modelled on a real seel," Chrissie reassured him. "You're right, though. We shouldn't eat our friends."

"_Why not?_" asked Chloe. "_My mum hunted us a seel every weekend. I wouldn't eat you, of course-_"

"_You wouldn't dare,_" Seel interjected.

"_I know, I know, you'd headbutt me any day. It's just nature, is what I'm saying,_" Chloe elaborated.

"...I suppose no actual seel had to be killed and cooked to make it," said Snowy unsurely. "But really…"

"_I know, you can choose not to eat any even remotely pokémon-based meat, and it's right to do so. However, it's still delicious,_" Sneasel pointed out. "_Ish._"

Chrissie gave him a sideways look. "Ish?"

"You're not exactly Jamie Oliver," said Snowy tactfully. "And I'm still not eating a seel."

"_I'll have his!_" declared Chloe.

* * *

><p>"So then, where are the beds?" asked Chrissie, about an hour after dinner.<p>

"Probably on the second floor or one of the towers," replied Snowy. "We'll have a look."

The stairs were easy to find, being a massive two-sided staircase in the middle of the entrance hall, complete with ornate gold-plated banisters and a beautiful, if a little run-down, carpet. With their pokémon back in their poké-balls, Chrissie and Snowy ascended the stairs, arriving in a similar grand hall at the top.

"It's rather dark," Chrissie commented, looking up at the unlit chandeliers.

"I know. There'll be a switch somewh-"

There was a thump. Snowy screamed, leaping into Chrissie's arms. "Wh-w-what was- what was that?!"

"No idea," replied Chrissie, plonking Snowy down so her arms didn't break. "Why are you so frightened, anyway? It was just a thump."

"Easy for you to say," said Snowy bitterly. "You're not a tomboy."

Chrissie tried to wrap her head around that, failed, and found the light switch.

"That's better!" said Chrissie, as the light washed over her and Snowy. "How aren't I a tomboy?"

"You're too confident, and you wear dungarees. Tomboys wear shorts and tank tops, vests, whatever, and they only pretend to be confident to impress boys."

"Who told you that?!" cried Chrissie, who had always thought of herself as a tomboy, always wore dungarees and never really had time for boys (in particular, that is; she played with local boys all the time, but never specifically thought of it as "being with boys".)

"My brother," Snowy replied.

"Oh, right. Er… you know you don't have to do everything your brother says, don't you? I mean, if you want to actually be confident-"

"I'd never get a boyfriend," Snowy sighed. "Look, why don't we just find-"

There was another thump. Chrissie jumped, Snowy cowered behind her, and the light flickered.

"You're a gym leader, y'know," Chrissie pointed out. "Isn't this sort of thing what you deal with?"

"I'm not a gym leader any more! It was never official anyway!" snapped Snowy.

"Well, it's probably just the pipes…"

There was an additional, closer thump.

"Eeeeek!" wailed Snowy.

"Now, let's all stay calm. We're pokémon trainers, and, um-"

Another thump.

"I'm too young to die! I never lived!" wailed Snowy.

"Let's go back down the stairs, what say?" proposed Chrissie quickly, springing back down.

"Wait for me!" wailed Snowy, easily overtaking Chrissie on the banister.

* * *

><p>"I think we lost it…" huffed Snowy, balancing carefully on a stepping stone in the quagmire they'd made of the front garden.<p>

"Whatever it is," Chrissie agreed, not putting much thought into balancing ankle-deep in the mud. "Snowy, while we're on the subject, you don't have to be the kind of tomboy your brother wants. A tomboy's generally a girl who- uh, in your case, _anyone_ who loves fighting, pokémon battles, getting dirty, making stuff and being outside, that sort of thing, but the most important part is _being yourself_."

Some heartwarming epiphany music struck up from out of nowhere.

"A tomboy isn't what your brother says, what the dictionary says, what the internet says, what anything says. If you have the courage to be _who you are_, regardless of what everyone else thinks, _then_ you're a tomboy. And to be honest, I'm probably not all that tomboyish at all. I mean, no-one in New Bark Town thought I should've been different, except when I tracked mud all over the place… several times… every month…" A look of shame momentarily took control of Chrissie's face. "What I'm trying to say is, nobody tried to hold me to girl stereotypes or anything. So I'm probably quite- actually, I definitely am a tomboy. But, well, it's about self-identity. Not what your brother says. Um..."

"Chrissie…" Snowy breathed. "You… it makes so much sense now!"

Chrissie blinked. "Really? I thought I tailed off a bit towards the end…"

"Of course it didn't! That was the most brilliantest speech I've ever heard!" declared Snowy, the music swelling triumphantly. "You've really helped clear things up for me. I'm done trying to please my idiot brother! From now on, I shall be a tomboy on my own merit!" The music was reaching fever pitch. "Chrissie… dear, sweet, unique and still very much tomboyish Chrissie… I can't thank you enough. You're so clever and thoughtful and wise beyond your years and will you idiots please keep it down?!"

The ghost-type pokémon orchestra floating over the pond looked nervously at one-another, bringing the heartwarming music to a juddering halt.

"Adding a little atmosphere's fine, but you people go above and beyond!" Snowy snapped. "Really, if I'd known it was you making those thumps-"

There was a thump, now the loudest of all.

"Oh, bloody distortion realm!" wailed Snowy. "Y-you're all there, and we're here, so what's-?!"

"Her?" suggested Chrissie, pointing to a teenage girl with what seemed like a bucket of concrete attached to her foot limping noisily out into the garden.

"Well, maybe… hey, girl with bucket on foot! Can we help you?!" called Snowy.

Immensely relieved, the girl stepped out onto the garden, her bucket instantly sinking up to the handle in the mud. She fell flat on her face.

Chrissie and Snowy looked at each other, then unanimously decided to run over and help. At great length, they brought the girl back into the mansion, where she flopped down on the comfiest bit of floor she could find, looking as if she wouldn't move for a thousand years.

* * *

><p>With her single mighty(ish) horn, Seel chipped away the concrete from around the girl's foot, then Chloe gave her leg a thorough wash. Chrissie brought in some tea.<p>

The girl was about fourteen, with dark brown skin, wavy black hair in a shortish afro with a mullet, and blue-grey eyes. She was dressed for adventure, complete with cargo shorts and a large backpack, and was in ecstasy the moment the bucket came off.

"Ahhhh…" the still unidentified teenager sighed, luxuriantly flexing her unbucketed foot. "What a relief! The air is as fresh as a mint-flavoured mountain spring and my feet are as indomitable as a garchomp! No, a mega garchomp!" She stood up, stretching expansively, and did a few cartwheels to get back in practice. "Oh, thanks for the help, you people. I'm Lauren Geoheart, a pokémon connoisseur, pokémon breeder, complete hoyden, artist, scientist, total Whitney rip-off and all-round brilliant person! Brock's my boyfriend, too."

Chrissie's eyes went as wide as saucers. "Whitney rip-off? As in Whitney Blazeheart?!"

"Yep," the now bucketless Lauren confirmed.

"She's my cousin!" gasped Chrissie. "She lives in Unova. Taught me the proper technique for jumping in puddles and everything."

"Really? She did mention a young Johtonian cousin who wore dungarees, but she could've meant anyone…" Lauren gave Chrissie a vigorous pat on the back. "Lovely to meet you, cousin of Whitney!"

"Chrissie Belaque," Chrissie introduced herself, returning the pat on the back with as much vigour as she could manage with her size. "Would you like to come with us on our journey?"

"Sure, why not?" Lauren acquiesced. She looked at Snowy. "What's your name?"

"Snowy Iceflower. I'm an ice trainer, and I'll be glad to travel with you," Snowy replied.

"A pleasure," said Lauren, shaking his hand. "Tell me, what's for dinner?"

* * *

><p>Aureliano breathed a bitter sigh, looking over Chrissie's latest pokégear message with a heavy heart. So the little shit was travelling with two people now, was she? Just typical. If only people would realise how superior Aureliano was, they'd be flocking to him…<p>

"Well, can't sit around moping all day," Aureliano decided, clambering out of his tent. He packed away the tent and bedroll, changed out of his pyjamas and got out the solar panel and microwave. He spent the next half hour figuring out how to plug the microwave into the solar panel; fortunately, there was no rain by the time he finished, so he could make himself some porridge without issue. It wasn't men's work, really, but he had to make do until some more sensible girls showed up.

The stupidity of the average girl had always been a bit of a sore point with Aureliano, actually. For some crazy reason, none of them seemed to like him. They couldn't all have been dykes, and there must've been a few without boyfriends, so… _why?!_ No matter how much he tried to endear himself, girls rejected him. He tried to put a strong hand on the tiller; girls hit him, shouted at him, or just ran away. He gave them presents, then insisted on some love-making in return; girls hit him, shouted at him or just ran away. He went after younger prey; girls cried, threw tantrums or ran to Daddy. Daddies never seemed that keen on poor Aureliano, and as for mummies... It simply wasn't fair!

"It simply isn't fair…" Aureliano muttered through a mouthful of porridge. "I'll bet Father never had girl troubles. Well, he can't have, otherwise I wouldn't exist, but I digress… perhaps I'll ask him."

Porridge completed, Aureliano rose to his feet, packed away the microwave and solar panel, threw the bowl and spoon in a river (he couldn't be expected to wash them, could he?) and set off on the road to Violet City.

A couple of hours' walking later, Aureliano sat down for a tea break, utterly bushed. He'd tried his motorbike, but it turned out he brought the wrong kind of hydrogen for its fuel cell, so that'd been a waste of time. His attempt to hitch a lift from a passing lorry driver was just as unsuccessful; she _had_ to take offence at his brilliant jokes about women drivers. Bitch. A group of day-trippers seemed happy for him to go with them, but as soon as he tried to get a piggyback… What was the world coming to?!

As much fun as it was wallowing in self-pity, Aureliano knew he had to move on sooner or later, so, after taking his tea break and allowing his pokémon to massage his feet, Aureliano soldiered on along route 1.

* * *

><p>The following morning, the Sun returned to the skies with a vengeance, determined to get in some last-minute warmth before autumn really set in. The mud in the mansion's front garden began to dry out, and it was more like modelling clay by the time Chrissie, Snowy, Lauren and all their pokémon finished breakfast.<p>

"This really is like modelling clay," Chrissie commented, as the group headed back to route 1. She was ignoring the stepping stones. "Very sticky. I bet we could make mud bricks if we stayed. Maybe even a house…"

"Well, we've got stuff to do," Snowy pointed out. We're going to Hyekeldi Town next, right?"

"Yep," Chrissie agreed.

"And the national barbers and hairdressers expo!" Lauren cut in. "I'm a hairstyle connoisseur, you know. Scissors cleaving expertly through soft, silky locks, creamy lather and shampoo smoothed lovingly into every corner, a whirlwind of fresh, warm, fruity shampoo smells…! I love hair so much!" She gave her own short, kinky hair an absentminded pat. "I've gone for the wild-ish but still well-groomed look here, by the way."

"Er… great," said Chrissie.

"Yeah. Brilliant," Snowy agreed.

* * *

><p>As the three friends (They're officially friends now, having known each other for years, all right?) made their way to Hyekeldi Town, their luck could not hold out much longer, and, just as Snowy stopped to pick some flowers by a stream, Aureliano showed up.<p>

"Yo, Chrissie! How's tricks? Got a wife yet?!" demanded Aureliano, laughing heartily at his wonderfully witty and subtle insinuation that Chrissie was a lesbian, because _everyone_ knows tomboys are lesbians and deserve to be teased mercilessly about it.

"What?! No!" cried Chrissie. "I mean, I guess I might at some point, maybe, but… I'm ten, the age of consent's thirteen... I mean…"

"Shut up," said Aureliano. "Now…" He gave Lauren the once-over. "Are you a dyke?"

"No," Lauren replied, "but thank you for being upfront about it. You'd be Aureliano, then? Chrissie and Snowy don't really seem to like you."

"Indeed, they do not," sniffed Aureliano. "Idiots that they are. I'm the greatest man who ever lived! A paragon of morality, a guardian of all that is good and right, one of the few who still have the courage to stand up to feminists…"

"Well, I'm sure we'll share an interesting rivalry," said Lauren charitably. "What kind of pokémon trainer are you?"

Aureliano grinned awesomely, catching the light on his teeth (whitened for 1,000,000 yen). "The best kind!"

"I see. I'm Lauren Geoheart, a pokémon connoisseur, pokémon breeder, complete hoyden, artist, scientist, total Whitney rip-off and all-round brilliant person! Brock's my boyfriend, too," Lauren introduced herself.

"Charmed. Wait, back up… interesting rivalry? Rivals?" Aureliano's eyebrows rose as high as they dared. It had never occurred to him that those three idiots could be his rivals. A bitch, a homo, a teenage girl he didn't know much about yet… It beggared belief. "Well… I suppose, not that you'll stand a chance against me."

"I'll be glad to be your rival!" said Chrissie cheerfully. This would be a lot better than him trying to be her "friend". "I have three pokémon now. We're already a brilliant team-"

"Done listening. Shut up," said Aureliano. "Listen well, you plebs! I, Aureliano Pyracardia, son of Lysander, intend be the world's greatest pokémon master, catch Arceus, battle Giratina and have a gardevoir for every day of the week! The world will bow down before me, for I _am_ the greatest! No matter what, I'll show my parents they were right to believe in me." He did a quick fist-pump for emphasis, adding "GETTO DA ZE!"

Snowy blinked. "Whatto da what?"

"Getto da ze. It's British, I think," replied Lauren. "In Japanese, it would be "get them all", as in "gotta catch 'em all". Did I mention I'm a language connoisseur?"

"You didn't, but that's great!" declared Chrissie. "Listen, Aureliano, my goal is to know as much about pokémon as I can, make lots of friends and have a brilliant time, then possibly become League Cham-"

"You're welcome to butt out any time, of course. It's not as if you're a worthy rival for me," said Aureliano charitably.

Chrissie rolled her eyes. "Me and my pokémon'll battle you any time, and win, to boot."

"Fair enough. It's your funeral," said Aureliano magnanimously. "Snowy, Lauren, what're your goals?"

"To be the world's greatest ice-type pokémon expert," Snowy replied. "And a real gym leader."

"I'm on a never-ending journey of self-discovery," said Lauren proudly. "My pokémon are on journeys of self-discoveries, too, and we've all discovered a lot. I want to learn as much stuff as possible, be good at lots of things, have fun, have adventures… in short, experience everything! I'm gonna live for at least four hundred years, too, and be the first human to visit another star system. They're already thinking about colonising Jupiter's moons, so it's not a pipe dream."

"That's fascinating. I'm sure you'll do well," lied Aureliano. "Now-"

"Your goals are all brilliant too, of course," Lauren went on. "Really, any dream is good. What's really important in life is experiencing stuff, learning, making friends and all that, so let's make this journey we share one to remember! Aureliano, a little healthy competition's all good too, so don't let up on us for an instant. We'll take anything you send at us and return it in the original packaging!" Pirouetting stylishly on one foot, Lauren thrust an outstretched finger straight at Hyekeldi Town. "That's where we're headed, Aureliano, old shoe. Race ya!"

And she was off.

In agreement for the first time in several years, Chrissie, Snowy and Aureliano stared at Lauren, as she zoomed towards the horizon.

"...Well," said Snowy. "Well. _Well!_ She's… fast."

"Energetic," Chrissie agreed. "I like her. C'mon, let's go!"

"Right behind you!" agreed Snowy, right behind Chrissie as she chased after Lauren.

"Oh, for pity's sake…" sighed Aureliano. Those tomboys were a bad influence. Then again, he was a Pyracardia, and he had a reputation to uphold. "Legs, let's do this thing!"

Aureliano ran at full tilt off to Hyekeldi Town, tripped, fell in the mud and cried for several hours.

**~Ending Note~**

Let's have a few points of order, shall we? Point the first: Lauren is supposed to be like Cilan. She is (will be, if I write her well enough) amazingly brilliant in several fields, yet not particularly considered a mary-sue, simply because she is so loveable. Note that "loveable" does not mean "inexplicably liked by everyone"; that just makes the character a classic mary-sue. To actually write a likeable character, it is necessary to be more subtle, so that the readers reach the conclusion that they like your character without it being shoved down their throats.

Chrissie being Whitney's cousin is indicative of another problem some fanfics have: original characters being inexplicably related to characters in whatever the fanfiction is based on. If characters mention offhand that they have some relatives, go ahead and write a story about one. However, if a character in "official" media makes no reference to having the kind of relative you have in mind, your character will look tacked-on. Whitney, by the way, is a character in one of my other stories, and she never mentions having a cousin called Chrissie.

Another point of order: The haunted house episode is _extremely_ clichéd. Unless you write extremely well and/or do something original with the idea, having a haunted house section won't add to your story that much.

The final point of order: Regarding the mud at the beginning… If ten-year-old children are let loose in the wilderness, this is bound to happen. Young people tend to be childish, with a few noteworthy exceptions, and that should be recognised in fiction.


	5. Chapter the Fifth

**~Author'z Note~**

Yo, internet! MC Aardvark123'z in da hood, homboiz an' homegurlz, az well az any homiez of alternative genderz! Anywayz, in, like, this chapter, there'z, like, a new character, based on my girlfriend (I TOTALLY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND).

Anywayz, like, on with the ztory!

**~Chapter 5: Enter Priscilla! Things are Getting Hairy!~**

It was a beautiful morning in Hyekeldi Town, and Lauren was proving herself quite the early bird.

"Mmmhhhhh..." sighed Lauren, stretching expansively on the simple, really quite comfy pokémon centre bed. She glanced groggily over at the clock. "Let's see... six a.m..."

Lauren got to her feet, enjoying the feel of the soft, warm carpet snuggling up to her toes, and cartwheeled over to the wardrobe. The group's bags were all there- her green backpack, Chrissie's satchel and Snowy's handbag- and their clothes were piled up around the bags. Lauren slipped off her pyjamas, changed into her usual yellow shorts, blue shirt and walking boots, then set about waking everyone else up.

"Chrissie! Snowy! Wake up!" shouted Lauren, throwing open the curtains to reveal a darkest blue sky, barely showing the first glow of sunrise. "It's a WONDERFUL morning!"

Snowy groaned. "Lauren, it's... SIX?!" Unable to believe that girl, Snowy thrust his head under the pillow and tried valiantly to get back to sleep.

Chrissie didn't even open her eyes. "Lauren, you can't be serious..."

"I am," Lauren insisted. "It's practically evening already. Are you actually pokémon trainers or just hobbyists?!"

"Hobbyists. 'Night," mumbled Chrissie, rolling over onto her front.

Lauren breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh. This would be a boring morning.

* * *

><p>By eight a.m, Snowy and Chrissie were wide awake, much to Lauren's delight, and set to their breakfasts with the same sort of enthusiasm usually reserved for challenging gym leaders. Lauren's pokémon, too, were subject to great interest.<p>

"Excuse me," said Chrissie, giving Golem a respectful tap on the shoulder, "is it true you can survive being hit by a mining laser?"

"_Of course. Why else'd we let you humans use them in our territory?_" the boulder-shelled pokémon riposted. "_I, personally, am a specialist more in attacking enemies than not fainting, but few things can graze this hide._"

"Wow." Chrissie went back to her seaweed (a traditional Japanese food), ate for a few minutes, then addressed Lauren. "Are all your pokémon as cool as Golem?"

"Judge for yourself," replied Lauren, gesturing to Aerodactyl, who was sparring with a skarmory in the garden, and Machamp, who was sipping daintily from a china cup. "These three, I couldn't be more proud of if they were... I don't know... star pupils. Or my children."

"Golly." Chrissie tapped Snowy on the shoulder. "Snowy, have you met Lauren's pokémon?"

"Of course," replied Snowy, his voice distorted by a mouthful of steamed rice. "Considering they were up at the crack of dawn for their exercises..."

"We just have good habits, that's all. I'll be happy to lend the two of you some earplugs," said Lauren generously. "Really, though, pokémon trainers shouldn't sleep in..."

"'Morning, everyone," mumbled Aureliano, trudging over to one of the tables. He looked terrible, still half-esleep, and his breath sent two nearby bulbasaurs running for cover. "Arceus, what a night... I didn't know internet cafés actually _closed_. Can someone get me some coffee?!"

Lauren snorted. "You don't need coffee. You need to go for a nice, brisk jog, have a shower... or just do the shower, that'd wake you up."

"Shurrup," grouched Aureliano. Noticing a chansey wandering past, Aureliano grabbed her by the shoulder. "Oi, egg-for-brains! Get me coffee!"

The chansey stared at Aureliano in disbelief for a few seconds, then, realising he was serious, stormed off. Aureliano grunted something unprintable even with this story's age rating, absentmindedly picked his nose for a bit, then folded slowly over onto the table. He would not move from that spot for many hours.

"Strange boy..." Lauren commented.

"He was my neighbour," said Chrissie ruefully. "I'm _trying_ to enjoy not living next to him any more... do you suppose we could go to Sinnoh? Actually, maybe Portugal..."

"I've been to Portugal. It's not an experience I plan on repeating," said Snowy.

"And Sinnoh?" asked Chrissie.

"Now, that's an idea..." said Snowy, the light of a good holiday destination dawning in his brain. "Nice and cold, good food... pokémon contests!"

"Then it's settled! We'll go to Sinnoh as soon as we've explored everywhere in Johto and Kanto and got enough money for plane tickets!" said Lauren, already looking forward to it.

"In the meantime, I'm planning on spending the day with my pokémon," said Chrissie. "I mean, more with them than just carrying them in poké-balls. They all need a bath, for one thing. I need a bath, for another thing, so I'll have one too, then we'll check out this hair expo."

"Good plan, well... planned," said Snowy approvingly. "I'll do pretty much the same."

"Then let's not waste another moment!" said Lauren, eyes shining. "As the bishop said to the netball team, come on, chums!"

Lauren leapt to her feet, then her hands, somersaulted back onto her feet and skipped off into the beautiful morning sun, realised how cold it actually was, skipped back in, put on some leg warmers and skipped off again.

"Chrissie, she stole that "netball team" remark," said Snowy knowingly.

"I know, but I get what she's trying to say. Let's go, let's go!" replied Chrissie, and she was off.

* * *

><p>By the time Aureliano woke up, it was almost midday, and the pokémon centre was pretty much empty. Even in winter the noonday sun was bright, and Aureliano could hardly bear to pry open his eyes; the effort was worth it, though, for the vision of beauty tottering through the door.<p>

The vision of beauty was a ten-year-old girl decked out in a purple dress, black tights, white boots with the highest heels she could (barely) walk in, and a blue hat with a red ribbon. Her silky blonde hair spilled in waves down her back, fanning out like a mermaid's tail around her knees, and her adorable chubby cheeks pebbledashed with freckles set Aureliano's heart racing. Her eyes, somehow visible through her slightly-too-big sunglasses, were charteruse orbs of limpid, pooling starlight, and her nose was like a cute little... olfactory thing, perched right in the middle of her face. Basically, she was your typical cheery girl glowing with youthful energy, dressed up like a posh lady (or gentleman) twice her age.

"Well, hel-_lo_!" declared Aureliano, adopting his best talking-to-a-cute-girl voice. "I see what I like, and I like what I see. What's your number, doll-face?"

"Aaaaargh!" wailed the girl, tripping over her heels and landing flat on the floor. She climbed carefully to her feet, removed her boots and threw them in the nearest bin. "Bridge too far. I've got as much balance as the Leaning Tower of Pizza..." she giggled (like a tiny, tinkly bell).

Aureliano chuckled. "I like clumsy girls. They're cute, and you might just be the cutest of 'em all. Name's Aureliano Pyracardia, son of Lysander."

"Priscilla Griddlecake, daughter of Sophie," the girl replied sweetly. "I'm a pokémon coordinator and, uh, a black belt in aikido, so, um... yeah!" She giggled a little. "What do you do?"

"...You do aikido? Like... the martial art with grappling and deflection and stuff?" Aureliano tried to wrap his head around that. "Um... I'm a pokémon master in the making, paragon of righteousness, Knight of Aura... the greatest man who ever lived."

"Oh, wow! Aurie, you're amazing!" cried Priscilla. Her cheeks flushed red. "I think I'm in love with you."

"'Bout time you realised, and if you ever call me Aurie again I'll tie your arms in a knot. Your choice of half-hitch or double bow. Anyway, wanna shag?" grinned Aureliano.

"...Shag? You mean snuggle up under a shag pile carpet? Lovely!" declared Priscilla.

Aureliano blinked. "No, no. I mean screw."

"Oh. You're in the mood for woodwork?"

"No! I mean... reproduce! Make love! Do the beast with two backs! Copulate! Mate!" snapped Aureliano.

Priscilla tilted her head. "I don't really know what you mean."

"I AM TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX!" screamed Aureliano.

"Oh, right. Sex," said Priscilla. "Er, what's sex, and how do we have it?"

Aureliano sighed. "Come to bed with me and I'll show y-"

"That's the final straw!" shouted Nurse Joy, storming in like a force of nature. She grabbed Aureliano firmly by the ear. "How dare you come in here and prey on this harmless girl?! I thought boys like you had gone extinct... seriously, the last time there was any sexual harrassment in Johto was twelve years ago. But I digress. You've clearly got some issues, Aureliano, and I'm deeply sympathetic to you for them, but this kind of behaviour is unforgiveable. Therefore, I shan't forgive you for it." The nurse finally released Aureliano's ear, which he might never wiggle again. "Begone from my sight!"

As he trudged out of the pokémon centre, the cries of a concerned Priscilla ringing in his good ear, Aureliano reflected once again on how stupid girls tended to be. If that pink-haired cow had waited just a few more moments, he'd be in paradise by now. And really, what was so disturbing about him and Priscilla? They were both ten; no reason to get out the torches and pitchforks there, was there?

* * *

><p>At the barbers and hairdressers' expo, many hours later, Lauren was like a sableye in a jewellery shop. Wide-eyed with amazement, she ran between attractions like an overeager ludicolo, occasionally squealing with joy or pointing out something especially brilliant.<p>

"Guys, look! This is the first pair of scissors ever made in Japan!" squealed Lauren, pointing at a rough, browny-grey item made of solid rust. A display case kept it safe from the elements, watched over by two men in rather sharp suits. (One of them was a gardevoir, so the pointy red thing on his belly poked through the cloth a little, but he still looked stylish.)

"The first? Really?" asked Chrissie dubiously.

"Sure! It says "first scissor ever made in Japan" right there," Lauren pointed out, gesturing to a sign on the display case.

"Then... why does the one over there say the exact same thing?" Chrissie insisted, pointing to another display case containing a similar rusty lump. Two women in sharp suits watched over it, one of whom was a gallade. Her sleeves were rather torn around the elbow areas.

"Er..." said Lauren.

"Obviously, they're two separate blades from the same pair of scissors," said Snowy, looking proud of his deduction.

"_...No they're not. Ours is older,_" said the gallade.

"_Oh, for crying out loud! Ours is older!_" snapped the gardevoir.

"Er..." said Chrissie.

"Um..." agreed Snowy.

"Now look, you pair of imbeciles. Me and Gallade know archaeology, and this pair of scissors is the oldest!" snapped Gallade's human companion.

"_Liar!_" roared Gardevoir.

"Let's just slip away now," Lauren proposed, leading Chrissie and Snowy over to the electric razor exhibit just before the first psybeams and aura spheres began to fly. "Ooh, this is interesting! A four thousand-year-old electric razor... back then, they were like lawnmowers. You couldn't do your chin or anything..."

"What about your armpits? Could you do them with one?" asked Aureliano, striding over with Priscilla in tow. "Oh, wait, you don't!" he added, roaring with laughter.

Priscilla giggled sweetly. "Oh, Aureliano, you're so witty! Who could possibly think this girl'd shave her armpits?!"

"...I do, actually," said Lauren. "Not with an electric razor, though."

"They won't believe you," Chrissie pointed out.

Lauren was nonplussed. "Why not?"

"Because you're not stereotypical, and his their brains are too small to handle you," said Chrissie.

Aureliano instantly stopped laughing. "What?! You take that back this instant!"

Chrissie stuck her tongue out at him.

"Anyway, who are you?" asked Lauren, diverting her attention to Priscilla.

"I'm Priscilla Griddlecake," replied Priscilla. "I'm kind of a pokémon coordinater, and, um, martial artist, but it's just a hobby. My main priority's being a loyal girlfriend to Aureliano."

"I see. I'm Lauren Geoheart," said Lauren.

"And I'm Snowy. We know Aureliano already," said Snowy.

"Chrissie's my name," Chrissie finished. "Short for Christine."

"Lovely to meet you all!" said Priscilla, smiling sweetly. "Snowy, are they your harem?"

Snowy blinked. "Uh... no. I prefer boys."

"Really?! That's great! You can be Aureliano's boyfriend!" declared Priscilla.

All sounds momentarily dropped out of the universe, from Chrissie's point of view at least.

"...What?" said Snowy. "Me... and _him_?!"

"WHAT?!" roared Aureliano. "I WOULD NEVER DEGRADE MYSELF BY HAVING A BOYFRIEND!"

"He's right! Not in a gazillion years!" snapped Snowy.

"I... you're serious?!" gasped Priscilla, on the verge of tears. "Y-you... how can...? How can you not love Aureliano?! He's perfect!"

"Normally I'd agree, but... homosexuality? Really?" Aureliano interjected.

"Aureliano is a homophobe and a fathead and a meanie and a plonker and a reptile and a dolt and a ninepin and a floccinaucinihilipilificationist (look it up) and I can't stand him," Snowy countered.

"Plus he's sexist," said Chrissie.

"How can you say that?! I love him so much!" wailed Priscilla. "You're horrible!"

"He's horrible! You're deluded!" retorted Chrissie.

"Chrissie, that's not helping," Lauren chided her. "Look, Priscilla, perhaps I should explain. We're rivals with Aureliano."

"One-sided if ever I saw it," muttered Aureliano.

"Well, maybe. In any case, Chrissie and Snowy can get a bit emotionally invested in rivalry," Lauren went on.

"No, I get a bit emotionally invested in hating the awful boy I've known for ten years!" snapped Chrissie.

"Uh... well, you shouldn't! Hatred is morally wrong!" said Lauren archly. "Can't we just be friendly-ish rivals?"

"That _really_ won't really work for me," said Chrissie.

"Oh, she's hopeless," said Lauren. "Anyway, Priscilla, do you like hairdressing?"

"Of course!" smiled Priscilla. "I love hair and shampoo and hair dye and hair extensions and bows and hairbands and ribbons and... oh... _everything!_"

"Glad to hear it. Hey, I know! Let's all get a haircut!" suggested Lauren.

That remark heralded a silence which, in its own way, was almost deafening.

"Oh, come on! I could rock a pixie cut, Chrissie'd look nice with smaller bunches, Snowy could do with a perm... Aureliano, what about a mohawk? And Priscilla, you'd look great with a fishtail braid!" Lauren went on.

A tumbleweed rolled past, prompting one of the other people at the expo to look around nervously for trapinches.

"Fine, no haircuts..." sighed Lauren. "How about a tournament, then? There's a quiet bit over by those trees, our pokémon are probably getting a little restless..."

"Oh! That's more my idea of fun," said Chrissie approvingly.

Aureliano scoffed. "You honestly think I can be beaten?!"

"Well, yeah," replied Chrissie, Snowy and Lauren simultaneously.

"I so totally can't!" snapped Aureliano, stiffening a little. "Just watch! I shall defeat you all easily!"

"Well, I like your spirit," said Lauren unsurely.

"I hate his spirit," said Snowy.

"Come on! Let's do it!" Chrissie suggested.

"Well, if I must... Priscilla, be a dear and fetch some lemonade for half-time," sighed Aureliano.

* * *

><p>This chapter is probably dragging on a bit by now, so I feel we need pay little attention to the pre-battle preparations. Suffice it to say that the tournament started.<p>

"You ever done a tag battle before?" Snowy whispered to Chrissie.

"Nope," replied Chrissie. "We'll manage, though."

"Couldn't I have got a competent partner? I mean, you, really?!" demanded Aureliano, looking at Lauren like she was a piece of chewing gum attached to his shoe.

"Well, you could always battle with Priscilla," replied Lauren.

Aureliano gave her an even dirtier look.

Lauren shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Mounting a treestump in the midst of a few people who had come to watch, Priscilla raised a megaphone to her lips. "This battle will consist of two teams of two pokémon trainers. Each human will use one pokémon, and when both pokémon on either team have been knocked out or are otherwise indisposed, the other team wins. Battle, begin!"

So saying, Priscilla jumped down from the treestump and switched on Aureliano's CD player, providing some wickedly awesome background music. Feel free to listen to some yourself, as it might take your mind off any shortcomings in my prose. Personally, I recommend "Angel of Darkness" by Alex C and Yasmin K.

"Abraxia, I choose you!" declared Aureliano, releasing a small, tough-looking bagon from one of his master balls. The usual flash of black and purple light followed, and the noise momentarily drowned out the CD player. Priscilla, who'd been holding the megaphone close to her ear, passed out on the spot.

"Machamp, let's go!" shouted Lauren, casting Machamp out onto the arena. The mighty four-armed pokémon curtsied delicately to Snowy and Chrissie.

"Beatrice, go for it!" shouted Chrissie, releasing Beatrice. The little weedle's horn looked sharper than ever (Chrissie had brought a pencil sharpener), her nose glowed with youthful vigour and she was eager for a rumble.

"Snowy calls Seel!" shouted Snowy, and Seel got in some impressive midair clapping and tongue-lolling as she burst from her poké-ball.

Aureliano immediately seized the initiative. "Me first, obviously. Use draco meteor!"

Abraxia shifted nervously. "_Uh..._"

"Karate chop!" ordered Lauren. In one swift, flowing leap, Machamp flew at Seel and karate chopped her right on the head. Seel reeled back in agony, a fair few stars and little birdies crossing her field of vision.

"Poison sting!" ordered Chrissie.

"_On it!_" agreed Beatrice. Seeing a friend being karate chopped on the head made Beatrice's hackles rise like nothing else, and, concentrating as much poison as she could into her horn, she stung Machamp on the leg, eliciting a yelp of pain.

"Ice shard on Abraxia!" yelled Snowy. Seel gathered up some shards of ice and hurled them at Abraxia, slicing through the air like arrows to impact on her head armour.

Aureliano glared at Abraxia. "If you'd known draco meteor I'd have won already. Whatever. Dragon claw!"

"Intercept with headbutt!" ordered Snowy.

"String shot!" suggested Chrissie.

"Fire punch!" countered Lauren.

"_I don't know that move either!_" protested Abraxia.

"You're not trying hard enough!" snapped Aureliano.

"_I can't!_" wailed Abraxia.

"Do you want me to take my belt off?!" roared Aureliano.

"_...I don't have the heart,_" said Seel, coming to a halt in front of Abraxia. Her headbutting would have to wait.

"_Aieee! Too hot!_" wailed Beatrice, waylaid by Machamp's fire punch.

"_You deserve it. It'll take me hours to get all this string off,_" Machamp pointed out.

"_Battles can involve getting dirty, y'know. Didn't you consider that before you tried being a warrior?_" asked Beatrice.

"_Well, yes, but I am a machamp. To be violent is in our blood, and getting dirty in the process is far from mandatory,_" Machamp pointed out.

"Now I've heard it all," said Chrissie. "Anyway, when you're ready, poison sting!"

"Hi-jump kick!" ordered Lauren.

"Er... just wait a bit," commanded Snowy.

"Abraxia, If you do not attack someone this instant, I shall not be responsible for my actions!" bellowed Aureliano.

"Aurie, cool it! She's doing her best," Lauren pointed out.

Aureliano rounded on her, eyes ablaze with short-temperedness. "WHAT did you call me?!"

"Aurie," repeated Lauren. "Would you prepare Liano? Aurelikins?"

"YOU WILL ADDRESS ME BY MY CORRECT NAME!" roared Aureliano.

"Ask nicely," retorted Lauren.

"Shan't," said Aureliano.

"Then you'll always be my Aurelikins!" laughed Lauren.

"Why, you-!" screamed Aureliano, making a grab for her throat. Lauren neatly sidestepped, sending poor Aurelikins flopping onto the ground.

Chrissie nudged Snowy. "Draw?"

"A draw."

**~Ending Note~**

So, we've met Priscilla, enjoyed a well-choreographed battle, humiliated Aureliano... A fine chapter, if I do say so myself.

A point of order: Ten-year-old children quite simply are not sexual beings. They just aren't. Ten-year-old girls have no bosoms or hourglass curves, and they'd be hard-pressed to balance in high heels. Ten-year-old boys don't have chest hair, six-packs, beards or any other "manly" accoutrement either. Even if they were physically mature, most ten-year-olds would be more concerned with toys, games, romping around in the wilderness and just generally being young than with reproduction.

Another point of order (related to the first): If you were going to live in the wilderness, trekking across the glorious Japanese countryside with only your friends and several pokémon for company, would you wear high heels and a dress? Probably not. (If, for whatever reason, you would, please tell me why in a review or private message. I'm genuinely curious.)

A third point of order: Aureliano really, really, _really, __**really, **__**really,** __**REALLY**_ is not the ideal hero, is he? I may have mentioned this before, but I shall do so again, in case any of you have forgotten: Heroic characters must have more positive traits than negative ones. If the readers are supposed to believe your character is a hero, have the character walk the walk, talk the talk and just generally be heroic, in everything they do. It's acceptable (mandatory, in order to avoid mary-sues) for your character to make mistakes from time to time, but they should learn from them, possibly after being shouted at by their friends/mentor/family/whoever happens to be passing by. In fact, I think I might make Aureliano one of Ash's rivals. I've already got him, Misty and Brock down for a cameo appearance or two...


	6. Chapter the Sixth

**~Chapter 6: Shedloads of Pointless Filler!~**

It was a cold, dry morning, and in the forests of Johto, a certain three children were on their way to Violet City. The track was firm beneath Chrissie's feet, albeit rather crunchy where the leaves were beginning to fall, and the cold wind nipped at her extremities, making her wish she'd thought to bring gloves. Most of her clothes were warm, though, and she felt quite at home yomping around in the middle of nowhere.

For Snowy, the cold meant nothing. Chrissie didn't fully understand his physiology, but he looked comfy enough.

"Nice cool breeze, don't you think?" Snowy smiled, as if reading her mind. "Mild, yet bracing... a perfect day for adventures!"

As for Lauren, Chrissie had warmed to her quite a bit; she was every bit as fond of pokémon and the wilderness, not to mention suspiciously similar to her cousin.

"It might turn a bit sultry later, though," Snowy went on. "We'd better do the bulk of our walking before it gets too hot."

"Er... if you want," said Lauren.

* * *

><p>That night, the group made camp beside a river, lulled to sleep by the quiet, gentle insect noises of a nearby group of spinaraks. Dinner consisted of some pancakes made by Snowy.<p>

* * *

><p>"Um... guys," said Chrissie, "why is there a manectric eating our breakfast?"<p>

"I don't know, but he isn't continuing. Oi, you! Leave our food alone or I'll mallet you into next week!" shouted Snowy.

"_You wouldn't be the first to try,_" growled the manectric, giving Snowy a painful shock. "_Nor will you be the first to succeed._"

"If you're desparate enough to steal food, you probably need the love of a good pokémon trainer to get you back on track," said Lauren. "I recommend Chrissie."

Chrissie's eyes went as wide as saucers. "What? Me?! I... uh... I only started last week, and Variskor's always complaining about me rubbing his feathers the wrong way. I wouldn't know how to raise a manectric."

"We'll see about that." Lauren looked at the manectric. "Do you think this girl could be your trainer, by any chance?"

"_Absolutely not,_" replied the manectric. "_Hasta la vista, you fine, gullible chefs!_"

And he was off.

Lauren shrugged good-naturedly. "Maybe next time."

Chrissie said nothing.

* * *

><p>"Water gun!" commanded Chrissie.<p>

"Ice shard!" commanded Snowy.

The spout of water and shards of ice collided in midair, creating a lot of steam and a minor snow flurry.

"Headbutt!" Snowy ordered.

"He's underestimating you, Chloe. Use aqua jet!" ordered Chrissie.

Seel and Chloe flew at each other. Seel had more strength behind her charge, but Chloe was faster, and she sent Seel flying before she could get any headbutting in.

"Well, if that's your attitude, horn attack!" commanded Snowy.

"Water gun!" commanded Chrissie, silently reflecting that this battle was in the bag. Chloe spat out a stream of water at Seel, striking her right on the tip of the horn, but Seel somehow managed to fight through the water and give Chloe a severe poke.

"_Huff huff huff..._" panted Chloe. "_And I say again: huff! Oh, but do I detect a hint of doubt on the good seel's face? Tell me, Seel, have you the nerve to doubt my huff?!_"

"_I'd never doubt it!_" said Seel fondly. "_In any case, I'm finding this a lot more difficult than last time. You're improving._"

Chloe beamed as only a totodile or similarly toothy pokémon could.

* * *

><p>"Prepare for trouble!"<p>

"And make it double!"

"To protect the world from defenestration!"

"To promote our evil machinations!"

"To denounce friendship, freedom and joy!"

"To make every girl feel inferior to boys!"

"Wait, back up," the female Team Rocket agent interrupted. "Every girl inferior to boys? Seriously?!"

"Well, yeah," her male companion confirmed. "We're evil, aren't we?"

"Only inasmuch as we have this tendency to use pokémon as slaves. Giovanni never condoned sexism," the woman said severely.

"...Then why are you wearing that stupid miniskirt and thigh-boots?" asked the man.

"I happen to like them!"

"Well, you're an idiot!"

"_You're_ an idiot!"

"Fathead!"

"Dope!"

"Oaf!"

"Twonk!"

"Malingering git!"

"Self-righteous prat!"

"Bitch!"

"Arsehole!"

"Bell-end!"

"Bastard!"

"I... don't know what any of those words mean..." said Chrissie, looking more uncomfortable than she had in years.

"Let's just slip away, then," proposed Snowy, who had stuffed his ears with cotton wool.

"Yep," agreed Lauren.

* * *

><p>"Hilfe! Oh, um Arceus willen, zu helfen! Meine arme liebe flamara!" came the grief-stricken German wail, as a young woman ran like crazy through the forests of route 1, not caring about all the brambles tearing at her legs.<p>

"Now, why'd someone run through a bramble patch in Bermuda shorts?" pondered Chrissie.

"That's irrelevant! As pokémon trainers, it is our duty to help those in need," said Lauren self-righteously. She cleared her throat. "Welche Schwierigkeiten haben Sie erlebt?"

Sobbing with relief, the German screeched to a halt in front of Lauren. "Meine flamara hat sich ein gut gefallen! Bitte, um Arceus willen, du musst sie wieder raus zu kommen!"

"What?! A well?!" gasped Lauren. "Unthinkable! Rest assured, we shall rescue your fair bloom, or my name's not Captain Lauren Geoheart, DEFENDER OF- uh, I mean... Lauren." The girl seemed almost to deflate, but then her enthusiasm rebounded. "My connoisseur's sense tells me there's a well about half a kilometre yonder. Let's go!"

Before Snowy or Chrissie could so much as blink, she was rushing off into the undergrowth, carefully stepping over any brambles in the way.

"Uh, Snowy, should we... um... go after her?" asked Chrissie.

"Jawohl!" said the German woman vehemently. "Gehen Sie nach ihr und besiegen Team Rocket!"

Chrissie was suddenly nervous. Her last encounter with the criminal team had been quite painless, but that was probably a fluke. "Did... did she just say Team Rocket?"

"She did," agreed Snowy. "We can't let Lauren face them alone, though. I mean, we're her friends."

"I guess you're right. Lead on, Snowy!"

"...Lead on? Me?" said Snowy, looking a trifle out of his depth. "I'm not entirely sure which way she went..."

* * *

><p>"Prepare for trouble!"<p>

"And make it double!"

It was a different bloke this time, and they seemed to have a talking paresect.

"To blight the world with fire and darkness!"

"To make all people pull our harness!"

"To denounce truth, justice and care!"

"To make black people really rare!"

The woman was so stunned she almost fell out of the airship. "Are you kidding me?!"

"Well, no," replied the new man. "I'm a white supremacist. Will that be a problem?"

"Of course it'll be a problem! I did not join Team Rocket to be some kind of bigot!"

"Why the Distortion Realm did you join?!" demanded the man.

"I thought it'd look good on my CV!" snapped the woman.

Lauren winked at Chrissie and Snowy, then, raising a finger to her lips, stole out from behind the trio's hiding bush. A few tense moments passed. Chrissie clamped her hand firmly over her mouth, trying desparately not to laugh at what a sorry sight the Team Rocket agents looked. Snowy filed his nails.

A couple of minutes later, Lauren snuck back behind the bush, cradling a rather battered flareon. "Found her. She doesn't look good, though..."

The flareon's fur was matted with mud and general detritus, her paws were bloody, one of her ears had been bitten and there were several purple spikes embedded in her leg. She was unconscious, barely breathing, and completely soaked.

"Oh, golly...!" breathed Chrissie. Memories of Sethlyn and the chikorita were suddenly at the forefront of her mind. _Bad_ memories. "Who-?!" She just about remembered to speak quietly. "Who could've done this?"

"Those Rockets, obviously," replied Snowy. "I agree with your sentiment, though. This flareon here is the product of... um..."

The boy came to the slow, juddering halt of a drunkard tottering out into an ocean.

"Abuse? Neglect? Just general evil?" asked Chrissie.

"Irresponsible battling, followed by being inserted into a well," said Lauren grimly. "Although if they've only just kidnapped her and tossed her down the well, they can't've had much time for battles..."

* * *

><p>"Oh, Flamara! Ich bin so froh, dich wieder zu haben ! Du bist so süß und kuschelig und liebenswert und wunderschön und großartig und Ich liebe dich so sehr!" the woman squealed, kissing the flareon on the forehead. She turned to Lauren, tears of joy and relief and gratitude (Germans have multipurpose tears) flooding down her cheeks. "Vielen dank! Oh, danke! Keine Worte können ausdrücken, wie froh ich bin, mit Flamara wiedervereinigt werden."<p>

Lauren blushed. "You're welcome."

Still overjoyed, the German woman lowered the flareon to the ground and kissed Lauren on each cheek. Then she gave Chrissie and Snowy a hug, leaving them both winded and terrified.

"You're _really_ welcome," said Lauren.

* * *

><p>"I never knew you could speak German, Lauren," said Chrissie.<p>

"Well, it never really came up," said Lauren. "I can speak about a hundred languages in all, if you're interested, including several ancient languages and a few fictional ones."

Chrissie stared at her. Snowy stared at her too.

"...Have you ever been to Germany?" asked Snowy.

"Sure."

"Is it like Japan?" asked Chrissie.

"Well, sort of. The food's different, they all speak German and there are all manner of strange pokémon, but the people are basically the same as us, deep down."

* * *

><p>"So let me get this straight. Your neighbour wandered into a tar pit?" said Officer Jenny, looking worried. This particular Jenny wore a red bow in her hair to distunguish herself from her twin brother, a very convincing transvestite who worked in the same area.<p>

"Pikachu pika chu-pika," replied the pikachu she was talking to. "Chu pika pikachu-pi."

"I know. Ivysaurs generally have more sense," Officer Jenny commented. "Uh, actually, tar pits aren't really my thing. I spilled a pot of treacle all over my dad when I was a little girl, and he never spoke to me again, so I've got this... this general dislike of sticky things." She smiled apologetically.

"Pika?! Pi-pikachu pika chu-pi!" cried the pikachu.

"I know, I know, I've got a duty to the people of Johto... I don't have to like it, though," said Officer Jenny grumpily. "On the other hand, do you suppose a few pokémon trainers with a serious hero complex'll pass through? Can't hurt to hope..."

* * *

><p>"So... does this count as a sticky situation?" asked Chrissie, giving her foot an experimental tug. Although the tar pit was barely ankle-deep, it stubbornly refused to let go.<p>

"No, it counts as a blindly-rushing-into-things-without-thinking situation!" snapped Snowy. "This ivysaur'd better be grateful." He glared at the tar for a bit. "Come to think of it, where is he?"

Lauren looked momentarily flustered. "He, uh... he _might_ be in the next tar pit along."

* * *

><p>"A successful day's heroism, if I do say so myself!" declared Lauren cheerily, walking with a spring in her step. Her shoes were too heavy with tar for proper skipping, but she made do as best she could.<p>

"I kind of agree," said Chrissie. "How close are we to Violet City now?"

"Uh... it should be just over that next hill," replied Lauren.

"Really?!" cried Chrissie. "Oh boy! Oh girl, even! I can't wait to challenge Falkner!"

"Then don't! C'mon, let's run!" suggested Lauren, and she was off like a shot, tripping over her asphalty boots after the first few steps. Unable to stop, Chrissie tripped over her, landing painfully on Lauren's head.

Snowy rolled his eyes. "Chrissie, Lauren, are you all right?"

"No!" the two replied, in perfect synchronicity.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, somewhere dark and scary and perfect for eerie foreshadowing, two humans and a parasect were scheming.<p>

"Do you believe in feminism? Love equality? Racial equality? Marriage equality? Pokémon rights? Religious and cultural tolerance?" a woman's voice asked suspiciously.

"Naturally," replied a male voice.

"Oh, indubitably!" agreed a very posh, perfectly enunciated male voice.

"I wasn't asking you, but thanks, Parasect," said the woman.

"I am glad to be of assistance," replied Parasect modestly. "Jerry, you must please forgive my most impertinent claimance of your question. Believe me, I had no nonconstructive aims."

"That's fine," the man assured him. "Now then, Jane... what's our next move?"

"Attack Violet City, probably. I have a plan for getting a hold of Falkner's skarmory," replied the woman.

"His skarmory?! Isn't Falkner a gym leader?" said Jerry worriedly.

"He is, but my plan hinges on that," Jane reassured him. "Not to put too fine a point on it, my idea is thus:..."

**~Ending Note~**

By now, the usual chapter format (sarcastic opening, Chrissie defying gender stereotypes, new character, battles, funny stuff, Aureliano being a git, Aureliano being humiliated, preachy note at the end) may be wearing a little thin, so I've ignored it here.

I will say, however, that filler is _much_ less important for a work of literature than for a TV programme. In pokémon stories, one could just vaguely allude to trainers visiting many small towns and having a lot of pokémon battles, or ignore filler altogether; either way, it's best to skip to the interesting stuff.


End file.
